Category Archives: Women

Denying Support Does Not Make You Independent and Strong

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I had a series of mishaps Tuesday beginning with an injury and followed by a theft.  My friend, Coach Les Hill, was gracious enough to offer support in a variety of ways. Someone stole my motorcycle gloves; he offered me another pair. I hurt my leg and a very very deep bruise was starting. The remedies I had been using to care for myself had been stolen as well. He offered an extra level of support with topical arnica. 

Belief Systems Stirred

The hardest thing was not that the theft or injury happened, but that it stirred up a deep belief I’ve been working on with my colleagues using EFT tapping and homeopathy. The belief?  People take advantage and steal my energy via time, stuff, and money if I’m not 100% attentive.  

I know where the source of this belief is, and it’s about 80% less potent. Every time the trigger occurs it is less emotional and impactful.  

Energy Returns Through Others’ Care

How do you allow others to care for and support you? I used to think accepting help from others made me weak. Or it meant I owed them something because I should create equality in energy.  There was a distrust that others were giving freely; I had learned that many people, especially guys when I was younger (sorry but true), expected something in return. I boldly turned down all help offered, stubbornly taking care of everything in my life myself.  It’s all different for me now. I choose to accept support. It’s pure awesomeness. It refills my energy cup. It allows me to give to others.

Can You Have King/Queen Treatment?

First, some of us are taught that accepting help creates vulnerability. Second, we learn from our childhood experiences what attachment to a loved one looks like. Many learn being treated well is not safe; kindness is a manipulation tool. Third, some learn being treated well was fleeting—perhaps one sober minute we are the apple of our parents eye, and the next minute we are backhanded.  Or worse. That can all be healed.

Even without abuse, many of us subconsciously learn we don’t deserve. That we aren’t worthy. In my relationship and intimacy training, my teacher says that the hardest thing for men and women to accept in a healthy relationship is their partner treating them like a king or queen.  However, we all deserve that level of care from those we love; it does not make one less of a man or less of a woman. In fact, it’s a key part of connection and relationships.  

Receiving Helps Others

For example: If I try to show you love and care through help and support, and every time I try you turn it down, I may feel unloved. If my love language is acts of service, and you don’t allow me to help you, I may feel unimportant or as if you were pushing me away. 

Obviously there’s boundaries with everything, and there are times when people do give to manipulate, or they are being boundary-less and it can be too much. However, I encourage you to look within yourself. Can you receive gifts, help, and support graciously?  Do you allow it to create connection? Do you know that you deserve it?

Another Crash, Another Injury

In conclusion, I felt the support again when I crashed again this morning on a trail. I was extra grateful to still have this Arnica on hand. Above all else, be kind to yourself. Allow others to be good to you. Let’s have conversation about how you can have more support, care, and connection in your life.   Schedule here.  

Better Intimate Relationships

Mastering the art of receiving support gracefully and knowing you deserve it will also have a positive influence on your partnerships, your marriage, and your future relationships. It will create more connection and communication between you and your partner. How do I know? I’ve experienced it myself as I have shifted beliefs using EFT tapping, and I’ve seen my own clients have powerful changes in their confidence and connection. Ready to explore that for yourself? Then let’s chat.

With love,

Dawn

  • Dawn with Hands on heart
    Dawn

Have I Learned To Hate Women?

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The Hidden Belief Exposed

“It’s hard to hate women when there’s so much awesomeness around me.” The words that came from my mouth on the fourth day of class shocked me. Where on earth did that come from? Here I am, on a massage table, getting CranioSaral work by at least five women, and THAT is what I say? 

I laughed out loud.  Partially because it was a funny statement, partially because I had no idea where it came from, and partially because I was waiting for the judgement to rain down.

I went back to my campsite that evening after a soak in the hot springs.  It was 1 am; I was mulling over my experiences so far. 

All week, every relationship that has come up that has needed healing was a betrayal by another woman.  From secrets being betrayed, my body being judged, my ideas being shot down, my motives scorned.  There wasn’t room for me in this world as a strong, independent woman in my younger years, and I had carried this forward in my body.  

A Simple Intention To Heal

CranioSacral Therapy Outside

My physical intention for this week-long CranioSacral class was easy: Release the scar tissue in my lungs and chest that had been created by the mold exposure as well as the damage caused by the refrigerator that crushed me against a steel beam and caused me to lose function in my right arm for a few weeks.  

My Emotional intention was even easier (so I thought.)  To heal old relationship issues so I could open my heart even more.  After all-I’m still friendly with most of my exes…  I knew where my fear was, what my belief system was.  I just needed a bit of support clearing that.  

Ha.  I thought I had work to do around my relationships with men.  It makes me chuckle now.

The Introduction

Sitting in the room of 10 female students and 2 female teaching assistants (and the one male teacher) the first day of class, I found ease, grace, and familiarity in us all staking our claim in our roles in the introductions.  Like a litany of triumphs- whether traumas, successes, or life struggles.

My name is x, here’s my intention of learning and/or healing for the week, here’s the experiences I’ve had.   Strong identities shared.  Here is my story.  This is what you get to see of me.  This is how I choose to portray myself. 

A safe space to share trauma is rare.  But allowing another woman to see the strength you hold; the power and beauty and sexuality—unheard of.  

So we hid.  Behind stories.  Or perhaps—it was just me hiding.  Behind my own ego, my own belief that my 23 years of healing myself had somehow brought me to a different level.

Are Women Taught To Hate Women?

Our group discussion as women the day after my session was fascinating.  The same themes came up over and over.

“I don’t trust women.” 

“I’ve never experienced love and trust for a group of women before.”  

“We are taught as a society to judge and hate women.   WTF.” 

Together, this group of women let go of hate and bonded in a tighter way than I have ever experienced.

A woman who shared the experience on the table with me said, “Dawn feels like a sister.  I wasn’t going to let go of her hand until I knew she was okay.”  She turned to me. Protective. Powerful. “I don’t trust very many women.  But I can honestly say I love you.”

We discussed how society had trained us to be competitive, mistrustful, judgmental, and hateful towards each other.  Not how men had, but how other women had.  How we, as women, had lost so much by betraying each other.  

Am I Being Melodramatic?

Even writing this story—it seems excessive.  Is it true we’ve been taught to distrust and hate each other so much?  Reflecting on my experiences + how I hear my male friends discuss how baffled they are by the way women treat each other—I would say yes.  

Ask me who my five closest friends are—the ones who know the most about me, who I trust with my life and my soul—only one is female.  Fascinating.  I’m not judging that or even saying it should be more balanced.  Just noticing.  Very curious. Curious about the hidden culture that set me up to distrust women—and how my mind latched onto unhealed past circumstances to believe it.

A Personal History of Betrayal; Unhealed Circumstances 

Maybe it started in first grade when a classmate called me a whore.  I didn’t even know what it meant, but I could tell she was angry and that it was really mean.  

Maybe it was in 5th grade when one of my good friends made me choose between her and my other two female friends. I was told I must align or be left behind.  I chose wrong that time.  The second time she gave me that ultimatum she lost my friendship—or what was left of it. 

Maybe it was in sixth grade when a friend told my secret to the whole school.  When I got home I got in trouble for sharing the same secret.  Doubly shamed.  

Maybe it was the girls who made fun of me when I developed early; perhaps it was my male friends’ girlfriends who assumed I was sleeping with their partners, as they clung with a jealous ferocity to the boy they had captured.  

Maybe it was the time in high school when I overheard two women talking about how I was having sex with my boyfriend; their shocked tones and catty judgement easy to hear through the bathroom stall.  

Hell, I didn’t know I was doing the stuff they said I was doing with him.  I would have been shocked at myself too at that age.

College Was No Different

Perhaps it was observing women at the university; they were cruel to each other, judging, commenting, hiding their insecurity behind a superiority complex and trendy clothing.  I wanted nothing to do with it.  I preferred the martial arts gym with the men where acceptance seemed easy. 

Perhaps it was one of my closest female friends forgetting I existed when I was in my 20s; knowing I was staying at her house for the weekend so I could go to school, yet inviting her closest 5 female friends over to dress up and have dinner together. She was very cordial about inviting me into the group when I returned from school and they were gathered together.  She even offered to share her dinner with me. 

No, Thanks.

Perhaps it was being accused of disrespecting women’s relationships.  Maybe it was because I portrayed myself as confident and independent and it made others uncomfortable.

I Really Do Like Women!

I’m not the first woman who has written about this cultural phenomena. Personally, I like and love women as individuals.  I love my clients, my friends, the females who have mentored me and supported me along the way. 

I just didn’t have any awareness of how guarded I am when women get together in a group. Whatever happened in class this last week pulled the remaining trauma out of my body and my system.  It’s been transformative.  Emotional.  

It reminded me how important it is to continue  our own healing processes.  How vital it is to look into the shadow side of ourselves; how our unhealed situations in our past as well as familial patterns influence our current reality.

If you are interested in exploring your unhealed moments in time, schedule a health and healing strategy session with me.  I’d love to have that conversation with you.

With love,

Dawn

  • Dawn with Hands on heart
    Dawn
  • Dawn with Hands on heart
    Dawn

SEX! (Now What Are You Thinking?)

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Sex.  The word alone brings up different images, ideas, and belief systems for everyone. Perhaps you are singing a George Michael song in your head now. 

Or maybe you are thinking about playfulness, connection, and love.  Others are thinking of embarrassment, shame, religion, trauma, or manipulation.  Sex can be equated with power or equality, connection or separation.

Perhaps you have images of lengthy, slow, explorative, sensual, erotic tantric sessions or lively, exciting, powerful, sweaty, screaming, vigorous experiences.  Awkward first explorations or easy synergistic rhythms born from familiarity.

Lust or love.  Any combination of any of the above. The list goes on and on.

Maybe you are judging me for talking about sex.

How Do You WANT to Feel About Sex?

I have EFT clients who WANT to want sex with their partner.  Yet something stands in the way.  The lack of sex is blamed on stress. Schedules. Kids.  Lack of desire/ hormones.  Body image challenges. (Am I really desirable? I have x, y, or z wrong with my body.  If my partner desires me… they must be crazy!) Feelings of duty, anger, frustration, disconnection, shame, or memories of trauma haunt the bedroom.

Emotional Freedom Techniques (a.k.a. EFT or Tapping) Can Help You Desire AND Enjoy Sex!

Most sexual dysfunction has an emotional root.  Even when lack of desire, lack of orgasm, premature ejaculation, or body response challenges seem hormonal or physically related, clearing emotions, trauma, shame, guilt, fear, and/or belief systems can restore optimal sexual drive, and performance. EFT can restore your enjoyment–or allow you to find it if you haven’t before!

Your Bedroom is Your Business

It doesn’t matter what you want your sex life to look like.  Heck, maybe all you want is healthy touch and an opportunity to cuddle.  Perhaps a connection needs to be built or rebuilt before sex is even on the table. Maybe you are trying to learn your own body through masturbation and are still having challenges. Healing so you can find satisfaction, whether with self or other, is all possible with EFT.

Let’s Have an Honest Chat

Some people are still trying to figure out their own body and what they want (and don’t) in the bedroom.  Maybe what you want is the courage to talk to your partner about curiosities, explorations, deeper desires or fantasies.  Perhaps you just want the courage and words to gently educate another on what you like.  

All of This is Possible with EFT

I can help you.  Whether you want to work as an individual or a couple, book a strategy session and see if EFT Tapping is a good fit for you.   If it feels more comfortable, start with a class. I’ve helped others through this, and I would love to help you too.  

With love,

Dawn

  • Dawn with Hands on heart
    Dawn
  • Dawn with Hands on heart
    Dawn

Emotions, Family, and Relationship to Self

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Emotional Funk

When’s the last time you were in an emotional funk?  Looking at past situations that still make us emotional–angry, sad, frustrated, scared, etc–can be liberating. Avoiding healing can put us into a temporary funk until we choose to get rid of the old and embrace the new.

Always more self to explore

No matter how much work I do on myself and clearing old patterns, beliefs, and messages, it seems there is always a way to explore more deeply.  It’s really rewarding!

Take for example, family relationships.  I come from an amazing supportive family, but I still created beliefs of I’m not good enough and I have to work hard to be loved when I was a child. Emotional Freedom Techniques (a.k.a EFT or tapping), homeopathy, and the Hoffman Process have all been instrumental in changing that.

Family challenges

Some people aren’t as lucky. I have many women come for EFT tapping with a history of abuse, physical or emotional abandonment, and/or neglect. These powerful, strong women learn to move through their past and embrace their power, strength, and joy. Whereas holidays used to be torturous, they are now peaceful.

For some, death has separated family and created unexpected loneliness and grief. Others avoid family at all costs. Many choose their own family.

Family patterns influence relationships

We develop most of our beliefs before the age of five or six (or seven or eight, depending on what aspect of the brain we are discussing.) Our subconscious minds are programmed through identifying positive and negative things and then creating associations and emotions for each. For example, we absorb and mimic our parents and caretakers. Second, we have our own experience of how we are treated and cared for. We observe the world with different brain waves and an inability to use logic. What we are immersed in and exposed to informs what and who we become.

Our beliefs sneak in unwittingly

You have to work hard to be successful. I’m not good enough. Money doesn’t grow on trees. That’s stupid=I’m stupid. You are too old to act like that. Children should be seen and not heard. Others are more important than me. I am always wrong. People only want me for sex. Men should act like x. Women should act like y. Boys don’t cry. Women are weak. Poor people are/rich people are z. I need to act like or be __ to be loved.

These beliefs are insidious and sneaky. They define how you interact with relationships, money, society, food and alcohol, and yourself.

It can seem overwhelming

I’ve been doing healing work with myself and practitioners for 20 years. I’ve learned where my triggers are, why they are happening, and how to communicate clearly. Empathy has become easier. When others are hiding or reacting out of fear I can usually feel that. People have different views because of these beliefs. Individuals are often suffering inside, trying to find joy and happiness when these beliefs are telling them that they don’t GET to be happy.

Happiness and joy

My process of becoming joyful was not always fun. Finding joy does not mean I become perfectly neutral and never experience anger.  That is an interesting concept some people, especially those wanting to travel a path towards enlightenment, seem to think is ideal.  There is a wheel of emotions, and health to me means being able to access any of them.

Emotional health

In my opinion, the marker of emotional health is the ability to see a situation for what it is and how it makes you feel so you can respond to it and move through it. Denying emotion or pretending you are a positive person thus cannot (or should not) feel anger can be extremely damaging.

For example, I have a friend who used to say he never got angry.  What he has realized over time is that he suppresses anger because he learned that anger=violence.  So for self-preservation, he made a conscious choice to never feel anger.  

Instead, those emotions were stored in his body. Those emotions created physical symptoms.  

Now–was that function beneficial and helpful to him over parts of his life? Absolutely.  Was it his best expression of health possible at the time?  For sure.  Can he (and you) learn to regulate emotions without suppressing them?  Of course.  Emotional Freedom Techniques is one of many ways you can learn to do that. (Here’s a 13 or 30-minute video if you want to see the science.)

Become your best self

What does that mean? My best self is aware, awake, and happy. It means I make choices from clarity and confidence instead of reactivity and fear. Talk to me if you want to hear more. Or, join one of my classes on Eventbrite.

Free Tapping Class for Loneliness

I am holding a free 4-week class on tapping for loneliness. You will learn to tap for yourself, AND how to apply these principles for all stresses in your life. Plus, the class is recorded so you can watch it anytime + go back to them. Contact me via Direct message, email, or text, and I will let you know when the final dates are scheduled..

With love and gratitude,

Dawn

  • Dawn with Hands on heart
    Dawn

What Makes a Good Relationship?

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Do Relationships need to be Difficult?

I knew I would delve deep into each relationship challenge in my past as soon as I started writing a book on touch and relationships. In the Hoffman Process I learned how to evaluate and transform patterns (beliefs, habits, etc.) learned from my parents.

I got to examine what my subconscious beliefs were and to decide what I wanted out of my life. It helped me understand where my sensitivities and triggers were and why. Hoffman allowed me to make healthier choices for myself and regain my strength.

It changed how I approached relationships. It improved my self-awareness so I could communicate at an even higher level than I used to. I stopped self-sabotaging as well (usually.) Relationships became easier and stronger.

Is there a Soulmate out there?

I’m taking a course called Learning 2 Find Love for my next certification in Emotional Freedom Techniques (a.k.a. EFT or tapping.) As many of you know, I love looking at myself, my beliefs, and my patterns in deep and new ways.

I thought this class would be a breeze

After all–I’ve already done tons of work on what I want in a partner. I know the non-negotiables, how I want to feel, and how I demand to be treated. I learned how to communicate clearly (and also that I cannot be with someone who cannot communicate.)

Week three and I’ve had some big AHA moments.

After identifying traits we knew we wanted in a partner (via looking at what did and didn’t work in past relationships), we put them into a grid to determine what traits were most important. Alina, the instructor, described it like choosing different ice cream flavors. For example, do I like chocolate ice cream or cherry ice cream better? Some days one may sound better than another, but both are delicious.

It turns out I value playfulness more than communication.

In fact– being playful, being high-energy, and possessing self-awareness were all more important. That doesn’t mean that I’ve thrown high-level communication out the window (it was, after all, #4 of my top 5). I haven’t LOOKED for playfulness as a quality in a partner, and it was often missing in my past relationships. Instead, I played the role of caretaker or mother.

  • Wooden spoon on nose

I have lots of playful, child-like qualities myself

At forty+, I still build snowmen and have conversations with them. Climbing a tree or spinning on a tire swing makes me laugh . In The Touch Crisis I discuss being curious and child-like in exploration around physical contact. Finding play in your own connection to others is important. So why have I dated so many people that only want me to be an adult and show my serious side? Because I had this HUGE blind spot.

Where is your relationship blind spot?

There is another Learning 2 Find Love course being held in February if YOU are interested in doing some of this work in a group. You can set up a time to talk with me if you are interested in learning more. Perhaps you are interested in starting this process for yourself now. I need case studies for certification, so will also be offering a discount if you participate.

Is my soulmate on the way?

According to all the tarot readings I’m seeing online, YES! LOL. Seriously though, whether he is or not, the extra clarity I have found is worth it’s weight in gold. I already knew I would not waste more of my valuable time in a relationship that didn’t suit me. My vision is more clear now.

You deserve a joyful relationship.

With gratitude,

Dawn

  • Dawn with Hands on heart
    Dawn

Healing The Touch Crisis… in Relationships

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I started writing a post here about a month ago about my current thoughts on The Touch Crisis in our culture.  It turned into three pages of stuff that I realized belonged in my relationship book. 

My Next Books

Yes, you read that right.  I’ve been waking up in the morning with inspirations and ideas about my next books on touch–one for relationships and one regarding physical contact and children.  Also, to be thorough, I’ve been interviewing various psychologists, therapists, and families.  These conversations have lead me to recall and evaluate my own experiences in personal relationships. I have been exploring what I learned around healthy contact as a child. It’s healing work I have done before, but I always find another insight or memory to explore.

Finding a Soulmate

I just love people

There are a few partnerships/ marriages I have always admired. Somehow I thought I was too independent for that. Too free-spirited. Now I am immersed in two advanced Emotional Freedom Techniques certification programs. The first program is called Learning to Find Love. It is about healing old relationship patterns, beliefs, and aligning your energies to attract your soulmate. A big part of the class is realizing what you DON’T want and will not accept so you don’t waste time on relationships that don’t suit. I’ve done a lot of this work before. I could be snarky and say “it’s probably why I stay single.” But honestly, I just don’t think I was ready. Plus, there is an unresolved belief that says I cannot be free + be strong + be myself + travel if I’m in a relationship. That’s what I observe… except in those partnerships I admire that I mentioned above. Hmmm.

Intimacy and Sexuality

The second certification is called Path To Passion, in which I will help people find passion and intimacy in their lives again through emotional healing. I hear stories consistently from my female clients about how they have lost their drive. “I love my significant other, but just don’t feel like being intimate.” Libido comes from the brain, and can often be improved through emotional healing if you desire more sexual connection. Studies show Emotional Freedom Techniques (a.k.a. EFT or tapping) can drastically improve libido. But also remember, physical intimacy does not have to be sexual.

The Touch Communication Crisis

I’ve been speaking at book clubs and women’s groups. I’ve had conversations in networking organizations and with support groups. I hear women say things like, “My significant other only touches me when he wants sex.” Then I talk to men who say, “I wish I could just touch my significant other without always having to perform.” Where is the communication breakdown? Is platonic touch lacking for men, or is it taboo even in their own relationships? Do each of us make assumptions about what another person’s touch is communicating–whether male or female?

Letting Children Choose

I’ve also been big on letting my nephews choose when and if they hug me, give me a high-five, or ignore me after a day together. If they can’t say ‘no’ to a hug from me, then what boundaries do they truly have? What am I teaching them about ‘no’ in the future-for themselves and others?

  • What did you learn about healthy physical contact as a child?
  • Were you given permission to hug…or not?

I have not run out of words.

I have a ton to say on the subject of healthy touch. There is even more to share about how we can heal and really learn to connect. Even if you choose not to touch anyone at all–even a handshake–because of the current situation.

Are you ready to heal your relationship stressors?

I will need case studies for my certification programs. Please, click to schedule a Health & Healing Strategy Session with me if this interests you.

With Love,

Dawn

  • Dawn with Hands on heart
    Dawn

Listening to the Echo

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Have you ever been curious about reactions you have to touch, whether you are overwhelmed by it or longing for it?

Excerpt from The Touch Crisis:

The Touch Crisis Cover
The Touch Crisis Cover

“There are only a few rules while dancing here,” Kari, the leader addressed the circle of dancers. “One, dance however you want without judgment and without judging others. You can run, skip, jump, make vocalizations, spin, lay down, roll around on the floor, rest on the edges, or whatever you feel called to do that honors your needs and takes care of you. Two, no words may be spoken during dance. All communication should be done using gestures and touch. Three, some people enjoy dancing for a while with others. You can communicate you want to dance with someone, and wait for them to nod or invite you into his or her space. If you do not want to dance with somebody and they attempt to dance with you, it is okay and encouraged to just bow out. Remember, bowing out is an individual taking care of themselves and their body in the moment, and not a reflection upon you in any way. Do not take it personally.”

Those are great rules. I wish it had been that easy in my twenties at the dance clubs! I gazed around the circle at the variety of people sitting in the open wooden-floored meeting space inside the small Texan church. This is going to be a lot of fun.

Kari prompted everyone to declare an intention for the session, and the variety of answers surprised me. They ranged from an intention to be playful to an intention to heal oneself and let go of body stress through movement. The DJ stepped behind the table as the circle broke and people stood up, and then the music started with a steady rhythm that was easy to feel and move to. I stood with my eyes closed, getting a sense of the beat, the energy of the music, and how I wanted to start dancing. Slower at first, allowing myself to get grounded, to feel my breath, and to remind myself to just be playful and explore. 

You don’t know this music, but you know how to move and how to dance and how to feel free, I told myself. Just do what you would do in your kitchen or outside.

Spinning freely

The music progressed into faster yet more melodic songs, rhythms changing gradually with each one. There were no words—just a variety of tones and instruments—but the energy remained. This music inspired the body to dance. 

I remember spinning around the edges of the group, seeing the cacti in the garden outside through the windows, and feeling my hair and my long skirt fly around me as I giggled like a small child. It was pure freedom, and I was high on the knowledge that other people around me were feeling the same. I knew I wanted to connect with people; but as I tried to catch someone’s eye to get permission or make a connection, no one seemed to respond. They all seemed like they were engaging with each other, but leaving me isolated. 

Is it because I don’t know anyone? Are people only dancing with those they know? Or maybe I sent a message that I don’t want to dance with anyone else because of what I said?

Click here to purchase The Touch Crisis on Amazon. Or– request it from your local bookstore.

Note: I am trying to get 100 YouTube subscribers so I can name my own channel! Will you please help by clicking HERE and subscribing? Thank you so much. 😀

With love,

Dawn

  • Dawn with Hands on heart
    Dawn

Running Out of Steam

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We lose a lot when we stop talking to each other and checking in with what we want or need. Perhaps today is a good day to intentionally create stronger communication with a loved one. 

Excerpt from The Touch Crisis: 

The Touch Crisis Cover
The Touch Crisis Cover

“How about we go practice some martial arts in the park today?” My friend James asked, as he watched me shove a load of massage sheets into the wash machine at my house. “You mentioned you wanted to refresh your skills before heading overseas.”

I closed the machine and threw a scoop of soap into the drawer. “Nah, I’ve already done about fifteen hours of massage in the last few days. I should probably let my hands rest.”

Besides, I’m restless and would rather run than hang around and practice right now. I’d probably get annoyed and irritated and no one needs that. I really don’t want to do anything for anyone else right now, including him.

“You sure? I’ve been playing with releases and tweaking the techniques to be easy on you and play to the strength you have in your kicks,” he encouraged. “Plus, when we get back I can cook some dinner for us while you finish your laundry and client work.”

“How about we go for a run? I should get some cardio in,” I replied, moving past him to get to the kitchen and empty my lunchbox. And I just think I’m too brain-dead to learn anything anyway. “There’s plenty of time to practice before I leave.” Maybe his knee is hurting him again. I should probably make sure he’s okay before I force him to run. “How is your body feeling today anyway? Are you in any pain?”

“Nah,” he said, playfully puffing up, “I’m tough. I can handle any kind of run you throw my way.”

…As our friendship grew, he was respectful with his physical contact. We had great communication around touch boundaries which gave us opportunities to be causal about it, touching each other for emphasis when we talked, plus tons of hugs and snuggles when we were watching movies. I could tell when he was in a lot of pain, which he often was, being an ex-racer and having had many crashes on cycles. If I started giving him little massages, he would tell me not to get into a healing role with him. He said that he was open to getting some massage here and there, but that he didn’t want to become a project or for me to get into work mode. It was hard for me to find the line between offering healing touch and not stepping into healer mode. Sometimes, he would stop me and tell me not to give massage unless he could reciprocate; so, I taught him some massage techniques so he could work on my arms, shoulders, and neck. The intention was to create some reciprocity and balance.

I’m not even sure what or when it happened, but somewhere along the line I did shift into the healer/caretaker mode because it was so natural to me. And as our friendship changed, our level of communication did not keep up with what was needed in order to allow the whole relationship to shift with our changing needs, wants, and experiences. Eventually, we both stopped paying attention to how we were feeling about touch. I didn’t realize until much later that I had started feeling like I was over-giving. My brain would justify it with “I’m the one who asked if I could try that technique,” or “I am the one who started working on his arm because I was bored with the movie; so since I had initiated it, it felt unfair to be upset and demand something different.” Right? Nope. Not at all.

Suddenly, subtle layers of inequality had settled into my body and into my deeper consciousness. Because I didn’t make a choice to tune into myself and see what was really truly going on, I started allowing other aspects of our friendship to exacerbate the feeling of inequality. Suddenly, his being twenty minutes late, even when communicated, became an issue and another bit of evidence that he didn’t value the friendship. Stuck in my own story of over-giving, I had no idea that he was feeling the same…

The communication balance had broken because our intentions were not clearly expressed.  The safety of the culture and communication that we had so carefully built between the two of us was dissolving. The nurturing warm feeling it had offered both of us was replaced with confusion, desperation, and neediness.

Click here to purchase The Touch Crisis on Amazon. Or– request it from your local bookstore.

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With love,

Dawn

  • Dawn with Hands on heart
    Dawn

A Familiar Start

Touch Remedies Posted on by

Excerpt from The Touch Crisis: 

The Touch Crisis Cover
The Touch Crisis Cover

“I set my laptop down on the beige tile floor so I could give my dad a hug before I left. My need for touch had returned during the last few weeks. It didn’t take me long to get over my touch sensitivity, I mused, thinking of all the hugs with family, clients, and friends in the last month. Luckily, I’m in the right spot for a really good one before heading to work.

Plate in hand, my dad reached his other arm out and gave me a quick squeeze. “Have a great day at work, Honey. It will be nice to see you when you get home tonight,” he finished, walking over to pick up his coffee cup.

Is that it? I thought, suddenly panicked and dissatisfied. Give me a real hug, dammit! Stop being in your routine and pay attention to ME!!

The child in me screamed, remembering those long, comforting hugs I got when I was little, when Dad would wrap me up in comfort and love—the kind that made my body feel snuggly and safe.

You are an adult now, my mind reminded me. You’re not supposed to need that kind of attention from your parents. I felt the familiar surge of unmet emotions rising into my throat. It felt like I wanted to throw a mini-tantrum to release the emotional void that I could feel growing deep in my stomach.”

Click here to purchase The Touch Crisis on Amazon. Or– request it from your local bookstore.

With love,

Dawn

  • Dawn with Hands on heart
    Dawn

What Do We Lose When We Don’t Touch

Touch Remedies Posted on by

Emotional shifts

Today is a lovely upbeat day.  I’ve noticed a pattern of having one upbeat day followed by one that’s completely opposite.  It is a great opportunity to tune into myself and find where my sensitivities lie and what I can do to pull myself out of the dark hole of self-sabotage that enveloped me (I addressed this in my last blog HERE) and would have become much worse without my close friends stepping up and checking in (and without some touch via hugs.)  I’ve been spending time catching up with communities overseas, as well as hearing the updates and amazing stories of from their perspective. I’ve been hiking and exploring in the rain, drinking thyme and ginger tea, and eating fresh garlic.  I know-a bit odd, but I love all those things and the fact they have antiviral properties gives me a good excuse to indulge so frequently-even if they have no proven effects for this outbreak. 

Engaging with Touch

But what has me curious and thinking is about people engaging with touch and communication right now.  I read a great New York Times article called What Do We Lose When We Stop Touching Each Other? How are people touching different within their own families and communities they are at home with? Who is really suffering from the lack of touch, and who is being overwhelmed by the touch they are exposed to right now?  Who has increased their fears of being touched (or touching) so dramatically that it is having a negative impact on their health and well-being?

I was out for a run the other day, and ran around a couple walking on the path.  There was a second couple coming toward us, and I moved “into their lane” to get around the walkers.  Even though I was a good distance away, the man coming toward me visibly cringed and stopped in his tracks.  It caught me off guard.  I felt both awful that I created that reaction in him and sad for him that his level of fear was so high that even more than 6 feet away he felt he had to shrink away.

Even Our Pets are Confused

People have been sharing the memes of dogs versus cats handling this stay-at-home situation.  How dogs are crazy excited yet cats are abhorred by the fact their owners are invading their territory and are preventing the cats from napping and going about their daily routine.  Luckily, my cat loves having me home, and keeps perching on my shoulders and lap to help me work.  

I have been through many situations in my past where I have gone from lots of touch to only a little.  Some time periods were self-induced, some were situational, and I feel quite fluent moving back and forth between high and low touch.  I’ve wanted more touch lately, and have been lucky to get that from my roommates and cat, but have also developed skills to function when the ability to interact with others is less.  I talk quite a bit about it in my upcoming book, but am curious to hear from all of you what your personal experiences are at this time.  

Please – comment below or post in the Touch Remedies facebook page.  How have your touch habits and awarenesses changed during this pandemic?  Are you getting the type and amount of touch you want and need?  If not, how can I support you thorough this time?  I have many tools that help people set boundaries, ask others for what they want, or, if fully isolated, find ways to get that hit of oxytocin and serotonin -two important hormones released with healthy touch- all on their own.  I think it is such an important conversation to have. How do we navigate the tricky terrain of touch during this time?  How do we tune into ourselves, into others, and into our communities in a way that supports everyone?  

My Question for You

How would you like to support yourself and others by connecting and using healthy touch again?

If You Can’t Get Touch- I’d still like to help.

I’m also still offering free online EFT/tapping classes so you and your loved ones can find a place of calm and peace amidst the stress that may be present in your lifestyle.  You can find those HERE.

No matter what is happening in your life right now, please reach out if you need any support or help.  I truly care about my communities and will do anything I can during this time.  

With love,

Dawn