Tag Archives: relationships matter

You Can’t Make This St*ry Up

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I Wrote A St*ry

In fact, I’ve written many, but one is a published book. I have written a chapter in a second, to be released January 21st, 2022, and am currently writing another st*ry on relationships- to be my third, and perhaps final book. My belief and understanding (really simplified) is that human individuals want to be loved and accepted– and the science shows it!.

Everything we do is to try to feel loved, accepted, or as if we are part of something; That we matter and belong. Our brain takes information from the outside world and creates stories to protect us from hurt and harm; to keep us safe from emotional and physical turmoil. Our brain puts things in boxes and creates filters through which we view our whole world.

Why St*ry?

Amanda, my editor and writing support (because there was NO way I was going to write a book then have some editor tear it apart and tell me I have to fully redo it) uses this term.

I think it’s because so much emotional sh*t has to be released and processed when we share our story; Telling about life experience includes revealing struggles, heartbreak, vulnerable moments, shame and other emotions, and secrets to friends, family, and colleagues. Knowing strangers are going to read it is the easy part!

With Divine Assistance

Situations that were synergistic and stories that needed to be shared started to appear. People told me more and more about how touch or lack thereof was impacting their lives. During the pandemic I still spoke about how to navigate touch boundaries. How to connect even if handshakes and hugs were not an option.

It’s All In the Timing

The Touch Crisis is still getting great feedback and reviews. As I travel around the country, individuals are reading it and telling me how important this message is for them.

You Can’t Make this St*ry Up

Is a book about stories. 19 brave people sharing their experience as they wrote their secrets onto paper for everyone to see. Stories of abuse and fear; of romance, heartbreak, and triumphs; of race cars and veterans; of religious conflicts; of loss. Then, Amanda, our writing coach, shares how we came into her life at the perfect time to teach her something important or shift her life. (See below for the YouTube links of interviews I did + Amanda’s podcast with me.)

It’s All About YOU

The people you meet on the street, your coworkers, those who have different opinions and viewpoints- they are all here to teach you something. Are you listening? Are you open to learning about yourself through your projection onto others?

When ‘others’ create fear, anger, and frustration in you… do you know that is something that is calling for healing within yourself? It’s not about them.

I’ve traveled across the US and Europe and see this phenomenon. Individuals do their best to feel love and connection– even as they push others away and judge them for being different.

We create identity and connection to our own groups by categorizing others- sometimes as inferior or opposites.

Can’t we all just take a moment to see that everyone is doing the best for themselves and their families with the information they have, their personal and medical and social history, and a desire to live a happy and healthy life? They have their own st*ry, just as you have yours. Difference is- you don’t know what theirs entails.

Want Help Feeling Connected And/Or Loved?

Reach out via email or text. I’m here to help. Or schedule a short call with me here. It’s my life mission to help.

With love and Gratitude,

Dawn

Short Interviews with Co-authors + Podcast About My Chapter

Denying Support Does Not Make You Independent and Strong

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I had a series of mishaps Tuesday beginning with an injury and followed by a theft.  My friend, Coach Les Hill, was gracious enough to offer support in a variety of ways. Someone stole my motorcycle gloves; he offered me another pair. I hurt my leg and a very very deep bruise was starting. The remedies I had been using to care for myself had been stolen as well. He offered an extra level of support with topical arnica. 

Belief Systems Stirred

trail

The hardest thing was not that the theft or injury happened, but that it stirred up a deep belief I’ve been working on with my colleagues using EFT tapping and homeopathy. The belief?  People take advantage and steal my energy via time, stuff, and money if I’m not 100% attentive.  

I know where the source of this belief is, and it’s about 80% less potent. Every time the trigger occurs it is less emotional and impactful.  

Energy Returns Through Others’ Care

How do you allow others to care for and support you? I used to think accepting help from others made me weak. Or it meant I owed them something because I should create equality in energy.  There was a distrust that others were giving freely; I had learned that many people, especially guys when I was younger (sorry but true), expected something in return. I boldly turned down all help offered, stubbornly taking care of everything in my life myself.  It’s all different for me now. I choose to accept support. It’s pure awesomeness. It refills my energy cup. It allows me to give to others.

Can You Have King/Queen Treatment?

First, some of us are taught that accepting help creates vulnerability. Second, we learn from our childhood experiences what attachment to a loved one looks like. Many learn being treated well is not safe; kindness is a manipulation tool. Third, some learn being treated well was fleeting—perhaps one sober minute we are the apple of our parents eye, and the next minute we are backhanded.  Or worse. That can all be healed.

Even without abuse, many of us subconsciously learn we don’t deserve. That we aren’t worthy. In my relationship and intimacy training, my teacher says that the hardest thing for men and women to accept in a healthy relationship is their partner treating them like a king or queen.  However, we all deserve that level of care from those we love; it does not make one less of a man or less of a woman. In fact, it’s a key part of connection and relationships.  

Receiving Helps Others

For example: If I try to show you love and care through help and support, and every time I try you turn it down, I may feel unloved. If my love language is acts of service, and you don’t allow me to help you, I may feel unimportant or as if you were pushing me away. 

Obviously there’s boundaries with everything, and there are times when people do give to manipulate, or they are being boundary-less and it can be too much. However, I encourage you to look within yourself. Can you receive gifts, help, and support graciously?  Do you allow it to create connection? Do you know that you deserve it?

Another Crash, Another Injury

trail

In conclusion, I felt the support again when I crashed again this morning on a trail. I was extra grateful to still have this Arnica on hand. Above all else, be kind to yourself. Allow others to be good to you. Let’s have conversation about how you can have more support, care, and connection in your life.   Schedule here.  

Better Intimate Relationships

Mastering the art of receiving support gracefully and knowing you deserve it will also have a positive influence on your partnerships, your marriage, and your future relationships. It will create more connection and communication between you and your partner. How do I know? I’ve experienced it myself as I have shifted beliefs using EFT tapping, and I’ve seen my own clients have powerful changes in their confidence and connection. Ready to explore that for yourself? Then let’s chat.

With love,

Dawn

  • Dawn with Hands on heart
    Dawn

Limited Capacity for Other People

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Have you ever felt the loss of a relationship and wondered what happened? Maybe a friendship, a marriage, a partnership, a work colleague who moved on and forgot that you existed because you weren’t seeing each other daily? The effort it took to stay connected was suddenly too much?  Perhaps one of you got too busy, too complacent, too comfortable and it had nothing to do with capacity.

Perhaps instead you were excited about something—an idea, an event, an opportunity—and then the excitement just… disappeared.

Limited Capacity

I’ve realized I have limited capacity.  

I know… it shocked me too!  I’ve been starting to do (really bad but I’m learning) videos that I’m posting on YouTube, creating new classes, new business offerings, and finishing the co-authored book that was started two years ago; we were going to meet April 2020 to finalize and release it in November, but just met this April instead.  (Look for the launch in January 2022!)

Although I’m great at pushing myself physically and mentally, especially in my business, it turns out there is a limited capacity for creativity.  For connecting through words and ideas. 

When I’m expending my energy creatively, it turns out I have no energy for daily chitchat with people—even those I love dearly.   I want solitude and sometimes want to escape from everything. But I’ve also found that even though my capacity to text, talk, and facetime has shifted, my capacity for love, acceptance, and compassion has not. Even though my last blog talked about how I was “trained to hate women,”  I honestly don’t.  It was an awareness of the training and the subtle belief systems that make me wary, that made me sensitive, that made me suspicious about others’ motives. When I wrote the blog, I had to be honest to what came up in the healing session-as dramatic and judgmental as it sounded.

Multiple Roles

We are all involved in multiple relationships and play multiple roles in our lives.  Whether that be at work, home, with friends, volunteer organizations, spiritual and religious communities- we only have so much capacity.  There’s even the theory that we only have capacity to maintain 150 relationships of any type at once.

So what happens when our energy, our passion, and our drive gets spent schooling the kids.  Doing zoom meetings.  Avoiding people at the grocery store.  How does that impact our personal and intimate relationships? How does that affect our husband/wife/partner?  

So many people have divorced and broken up during this pandemic.  Why?

They Are Driving Me CRAZY!

Some would say it’s because their partner drove them crazy.  What happened to the love and desire to be together?  How did YOU change—your internal expectations, beliefs, and sensitivities—and project that onto your partner without any communication? How did your partner being home or around more often shift your role in the family unit? Where did you lose your capacity?

What is the Role You Each Play?

Is your role your identity?  Was your partner’s role theirs? What is your capacity for being present to the reason things have shifted?  The understanding of the loss of connection?

Connection starts by observing self and understanding your own drive.  When we are so tied to our identity and/or role, and become offended, hurt, challenged, or self-conscious when another doesn’t help us align with that role-doesn’t play the part they have always played—that is not the other person’s fault.

Limited Capacity for Relationships

If you find yourself “breaking up” with friends, family members, or partners because belief systems are different, it’s a great time to come to me for some Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT Tapping) sessions.  Why?  Because it’s your own internal sensitivity being challenged.  Your own belief system.  

Your Own Unresolved Subconscious Crap Creates A Lot of Problems 

How do I know?  I can listen to people on totally opposite ends of the spectrum from me. I may be dismayed, shocked, turned-off, or confused by their logic, however I don’t take it personally and don’t feel the need to attack them for their beliefs.  Instead I have an open conversation about it—if they choose.  (Plus our brains all work differently and I learn TONS from other peoples’ perspectives.)

The more healing I do around my belief systems, the less triggered and upset I get.  The more capacity I have for love, openness, and compassion.

Limited Capacity for Openness

Can you be open to listening without offense when others share an opposite  opinion? Becoming offended, judgmental, and angry does nothing.  Nothing to solve problems nor create solutions.  Especially in interpersonal relationships. 

If you find yourself more stressed than usual because of the last year, and of what others are doing/thinking/believing, and are open to a conversation, give me a call or schedule a chat here.

I’m here for you.  Non-judgmentally and with open arms.

With love,

Dawn

  • Dawn with Hands on heart
    Dawn
  • Dawn with Hands on heart
    Dawn

Saying ‘Yes’ to a Person and ‘No’ to Touch

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Saying ‘Yes’ and ‘No’

“Are you accepting hugs?” I asked my friend, Jason, at the ski hill just before he opened his arms to welcome me into his space.  I had been running into people I hadn’t seen in over nine months my first day back at the slopes, and had enjoyed the variety of connection opportunities.

After sharing a lovely hug, I turned to a nearby acquaintance of ours.  He was sitting distant to everyone, drinking a beer, and before I could even open my mouth to say hello, he looked at me sternly, held up his hands, and crossed his fingers towards my face.  

What the hell?  I thought, immediately offended.  I’m sure he heard and saw me ask for permission before entering Jason’s space. I wasn’t going to bombard him with a hug.

“Hey there,” I said to him. He’s frightened I’m sure, and probably didn’t mean ill wishes towards me. He just stared at me, nodded his head, and turned back to his beer. 

The fact he wants space doesn’t bother me, I thought. It was the look combined with the gesture, as if he was warding off evil. I know in Japan it is the gesture to ask for a check, but here I take it as a rude “get away from me.” 

Saying ‘Yes’ While Asking For Space

Namaste

There have been various versions of this scenario throughout the pandemic; although this was the most off-putting and rude way someone has asked for space, I can’t help but remember that many of us have not learned how to say ‘yes’ to a person while maintaining distance.  In other words, how to acknowledge another person’s presence while simply and honestly stating one’s boundaries. 

I have seen people place hands together in a gentle ‘namaste’ as a greeting.  Others simply state they are maintaining physical distance.  I have seen people wave or step back with a gentle verbal reminder that they would like some space.  To me, these seem like gentle ways to address the desire for connection (a yes to the person) while asking for distance.  

It’s Different with Strangers–Or Can Be

With strangers I have had the experience of people shrinking away in fear if I walk too close on a hiking trail; others just step off the trail and wait for me to pass-or vice versa.  I have seen people get out of line at the grocery store if someone is too close, while others wait (patiently) for an isle to be vacant before entering themselves. There is not necessarily a need to say ‘yes’ to a stranger, but one can choose the level of grace and fear that accompanies non-verbal communication.

Saying ‘Yes’ as A Skill

Saying ‘yes’ to a person and ‘no’ to touch is a communication skill that was important way before this pandemic.  Have you ever had to redirect a child who wants to be held while you are occupied?  Perhaps you have said something like, “Not now, honey, can you wait until after dinner?”  Or, “I know you want to be on my lap right now, but I have to finish folding this laundry.”  

Redirecting and saying ‘yes’ to a person goes beyond physical contact as well.  Has your partner been focused on a project while you are trying to ask a question and said, “Can you wait a minute to talk about this until I’m done so I can give you my full attention?”  Or, “I’ll help you as soon as I’m finished with this?”  

I’m sure you’ve acknowledged someone’s presence or need for attention or an answer while also asking for a pause, for a moment or two until the timing is better.  

This is saying ‘yes’ to a person and ‘no’ to the interruption.  It is saying in a subtle way, “Hey, I hear you and I want to respond, but if you can wait a bit, I can engage in a manner that is more authentic, more thoughtful, more connected.”

We All Make Mistakes in Communication

Do we make mistakes consciously and subconsciously with communication verbally and non-verbally?  Of course.  Can each of us take offense to something that is not meant to be offensive?  Absolutely.  I did.  

My Question For You

How can you choose to state your boundaries more clearly with those you interact with?  When I teach classes about healthy touch and communication, we often discuss offering a series of options to another that suit your own boundaries.  “Would you like…a high-five? Fist-bump? Handshake?  Hug?”  

Giving a few options within your own comfort level can be a helpful guide to the other whilst showing respect for their own boundaries.  Or, clearly stating before any error is made, “I would love to give you a hug/ handshake, but I am choosing to maintain distancing at the moment. But it is lovely to see you.”  Clear communication not only takes the awkwardness out of  a situation, but shows a level of caring and respect.  

Comfort Levels Change Around Touch

Permissions can also change day-by-day.  A person who wants a hug on Monday may feel a bit sensitive on Friday, or may be starting to distance before they visit an elderly relative.  It doesn’t hurt to ask.  You can even make it playful! Find a few phrases that fit your boundaries and personality for the next time you run into someone you know.  And remember, if someone says ‘no,’ don’t take it personally.  Even if they come across rude or angry.  After all, we are all doing the best we can at the moment; that too, needs to be respected.

Questions? Feel free to contact me directly or join one of my classes about healthy touch based off my book, The Touch Crisis.

With love,

Dawn

  • Dawn with Hands on heart
    Dawn
  • Dawn with Hands on heart
    Dawn

The Love of Connecting..But What About Touch?

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Connecting is a Core Strength

I am having WAY too much fun connecting and collaborating these days–even without touch.

When the first round of stay-at-home orders hit, I was thrilled to use my “free time” to be on zoom about twelve hours a day. I was co-writing another book, networking with my two favorite networking groups, as well as having online connects personally with those I kept intending to build relationships with.

I quickly burned out collaborating

Computers drain my energy. They make me irritable and restless if I’m not also doing regular exercise. At the time, I was busy pouting over a sprained ankle and a shoulder injury, so wasn’t working out. The only things that kept me sane were hugs from my roommate + a newfound coffee and chocolate compulsion. It was not the best choice for my physical health. Emotionally they helped, as coffee reminded me of friends in Europe.

I’ve adapted to Touch-Free

It’s like playtime when I’m interviewed for articles, podcasts, blogs, and newsletters. I have presented about The Touch Crisis virtually to groups in San Fransisco, California; Madison and Wausau, Wisconsin. I spoke for an International women’s networking group. I was a “Ted-Talk Style” speaker for Accelerated Global Connections.

Connecting can be easier when touch is involved. Most of us have reset our understanding of and need for healthy physical contact.

My Question for You

Touch Remedies back to back

Can you ask for what you need in this time? Can you let go of any fear and understand that healthy touch actually boosts the immune system? Seriously-they did a study exposing people to the flu and found the more hugs and better social support, the less likely people were to get sick.

When you see friends ask, “Would you like a handshake? Hug? Or for me to say six feet away?” It shows respect + you get to only throw in the options that suit you. You can also make it playful, “Are you receiving hugs today?” Instead of having an awkward moment, take charge and choose to connect.

If you need a hug or some healthy human contact, you know where to find me.

With love,

Dawn

  • Dawn with Hands on heart
    Dawn
  • Dawn with Hands on heart
    Dawn