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Tag Archives: communication

Saying ‘Yes’ to a Person and ‘No’ to Touch

Touch Remedies Posted on January 3, 2021 by Touch RemediesJanuary 3, 2021

Saying ‘Yes’ and ‘No’

“Are you accepting hugs?” I asked my friend, Jason, at the ski hill just before he opened his arms to welcome me into his space.  I had been running into people I hadn’t seen in over nine months my first day back at the slopes, and had enjoyed the variety of connection opportunities.

After sharing a lovely hug, I turned to a nearby acquaintance of ours.  He was sitting distant to everyone, drinking a beer, and before I could even open my mouth to say hello, he looked at me sternly, held up his hands, and crossed his fingers towards my face.  

What the hell?  I thought, immediately offended.  I’m sure he heard and saw me ask for permission before entering Jason’s space. I wasn’t going to bombard him with a hug.

“Hey there,” I said to him. He’s frightened I’m sure, and probably didn’t mean ill wishes towards me. He just stared at me, nodded his head, and turned back to his beer. 

The fact he wants space doesn’t bother me, I thought. It was the look combined with the gesture, as if he was warding off evil. I know in Japan it is the gesture to ask for a check, but here I take it as a rude “get away from me.” 

Saying ‘Yes’ While Asking For Space

Namaste

There have been various versions of this scenario throughout the pandemic; although this was the most off-putting and rude way someone has asked for space, I can’t help but remember that many of us have not learned how to say ‘yes’ to a person while maintaining distance.  In other words, how to acknowledge another person’s presence while simply and honestly stating one’s boundaries. 

I have seen people place hands together in a gentle ‘namaste’ as a greeting.  Others simply state they are maintaining physical distance.  I have seen people wave or step back with a gentle verbal reminder that they would like some space.  To me, these seem like gentle ways to address the desire for connection (a yes to the person) while asking for distance.  

It’s Different with Strangers–Or Can Be

With strangers I have had the experience of people shrinking away in fear if I walk too close on a hiking trail; others just step off the trail and wait for me to pass-or vice versa.  I have seen people get out of line at the grocery store if someone is too close, while others wait (patiently) for an isle to be vacant before entering themselves. There is not necessarily a need to say ‘yes’ to a stranger, but one can choose the level of grace and fear that accompanies non-verbal communication.

Saying ‘Yes’ as A Skill

Saying ‘yes’ to a person and ‘no’ to touch is a communication skill that was important way before this pandemic.  Have you ever had to redirect a child who wants to be held while you are occupied?  Perhaps you have said something like, “Not now, honey, can you wait until after dinner?”  Or, “I know you want to be on my lap right now, but I have to finish folding this laundry.”  

Redirecting and saying ‘yes’ to a person goes beyond physical contact as well.  Has your partner been focused on a project while you are trying to ask a question and said, “Can you wait a minute to talk about this until I’m done so I can give you my full attention?”  Or, “I’ll help you as soon as I’m finished with this?”  

I’m sure you’ve acknowledged someone’s presence or need for attention or an answer while also asking for a pause, for a moment or two until the timing is better.  

This is saying ‘yes’ to a person and ‘no’ to the interruption.  It is saying in a subtle way, “Hey, I hear you and I want to respond, but if you can wait a bit, I can engage in a manner that is more authentic, more thoughtful, more connected.”

We All Make Mistakes in Communication

Do we make mistakes consciously and subconsciously with communication verbally and non-verbally?  Of course.  Can each of us take offense to something that is not meant to be offensive?  Absolutely.  I did.  

My Question For You

How can you choose to state your boundaries more clearly with those you interact with?  When I teach classes about healthy touch and communication, we often discuss offering a series of options to another that suit your own boundaries.  “Would you like…a high-five? Fist-bump? Handshake?  Hug?”  

Giving a few options within your own comfort level can be a helpful guide to the other whilst showing respect for their own boundaries.  Or, clearly stating before any error is made, “I would love to give you a hug/ handshake, but I am choosing to maintain distancing at the moment. But it is lovely to see you.”  Clear communication not only takes the awkwardness out of  a situation, but shows a level of caring and respect.  

Comfort Levels Change Around Touch

Permissions can also change day-by-day.  A person who wants a hug on Monday may feel a bit sensitive on Friday, or may be starting to distance before they visit an elderly relative.  It doesn’t hurt to ask.  You can even make it playful! Find a few phrases that fit your boundaries and personality for the next time you run into someone you know.  And remember, if someone says ‘no,’ don’t take it personally.  Even if they come across rude or angry.  After all, we are all doing the best we can at the moment; that too, needs to be respected.

Questions? Feel free to contact me directly or join one of my classes about healthy touch based off my book, The Touch Crisis.

With love,

Dawn

Nature of Relationships
Dawn with Hands on heart
Dawn
Nature of Relationships
Dawn with Hands on heart
Dawn
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Posted in Cultures and Communities, Relationships, The Touch Crisis, Touch Remedies | Tagged body language, boundaries, communication, connection, healthy relationships, healthy touch, physical distancing, relationships matter, saying no, the touch crisis, touch foundations, touch remedies | Leave a reply

Touch? Physical Contact? It’s About Connection.

Touch Remedies Posted on May 16, 2019 by Dawn BDecember 24, 2020

The Touch Crisis

I am finally writing my book about “Touch!” The word “touch” suddenly seems to have negative connotations, so I am using the phrase “Physical Connection.”

This book has been in process for a few years. When I was giving presentations around Minnesota and California to women’s groups on how ‘Healthy Touch Connects Communities,’ women became inspired to connect more strongly with others around them, and communicate more around touch-with people they wanted connect with as well as those they observed were not connected.

They also thought about different ways to speak to their children about touch. Many people told me I should write a book, and I thought about it…for over two years.

The Time is Now For Connecting

The time is here. But as I talk to people about how they connect, the common theme is always around communication. That’s a big subject! I remember hiking in Sweden, and I got lost in a small town while I was trying to take a back way to the grocery store from an art park.


I walked for about 30 minutes before seeing ANYONE, so when I saw a woman walking towards me on the street, I was extremely excited. I asked her if she could point me to the store (in my really poor Swedish) and she indicated that she was deaf and couldn’t hear me.

Who Isn’t Hearing?

What happened next still bothers me. Instead of pausing for a minute, and trying to communicate using the few signs I do know and spelling the rest, I shrugged my shoulders, made a gesture as if I was SO disappointed she didn’t understand me, and went on my way.

SERIOUSLY? I just ran into a beautiful person who cannot hear, and instead of taking the time to try to communicate and say hello and step into her world, I shrugged her off because it was such an inconvenience for me to not be able to talk to her while lost in a foreign land? I can make all the excuses in the world about why I didn’t try to sign (first being that I was thinking so hard about how to talk in Swedish, I forgot that I knew some basic sign language), but the reality is I didn’t stop and pause and think about the best way to connect and communicate.

Another time I froze in communication where it could have made an impact was when I arrived in the Lake District in England. I was walking to my hostel with my laptop and my rucksack after an exhausting day of travel, and saw four teenagers ahead on the sidewalk throwing around drink bottles and chasing each other. Not wanting to get caught up in the splatter, I moved toward the road and tried to sneak past them. One of the girls stopped me and asked for help. She said the two boys were bullying her, and wouldn’t give her and her female friend their drinks back. I gave the boys A LOOK and they returned the bottles.

She then shared with me that her friend was ignoring her so she could chat with the boys, and allowed the bullying to happen. In retrospect, perhaps I should have given them all a bit of a lecture about treating each other with respect, especially the girl who was ignoring her friend. But I didn’t know what to say at the moment, as I was caught up in the tragedy of the teen years and how people treat each other. I wonder to this day why I didn’t, in that moment, tell her she deserved to be treated like that, tell her friend not to treat her that way either if she was a true friend, and to tell the boys to treat the girls with respect, especially when they say “STOP.”

Both are lessons, and remind me that no matter how well we think we communicate, there is always room to grow. I would love to hear your stories about communication and physical connection, and how you use these to strengthen your connection within your own communities-both large and small. If you are open to being interviewed for the book, please contact me HERE.

Upcoming Class

Moms of Pre-Teen or Teen Girls- Join me and my friend Alissa for a fun, powerful, interactive, experiential workshop. Explore how to:

  • Create a stronger bond and connection through a deep respect of one another.
  • Clearly communicate while focusing on what’s great already.
  • Learn how to set boundaries that feel good and give voice to both of you.
  • Learn tools that empower your relationship and keep you connected now and for years to come.
  • Our event partner, Athleta, will be giving away a raffle prize package
    • an hour in the Athleta store with their stylist
    • a $50 ShopCard!
    • a Starbucks beverage of your choice while you are with the stylist!


Follow THIS LINK for more information and tickets.

I look forward to hearing from all of you.

Nature of Relationships
Dawn with Hands on heart
Dawn
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Nature of Relationships
Dawn with Hands on heart
Dawn
Posted in Relationships, The Touch Crisis, Touch Remedies | Tagged communication, deaf, foreign languages, healthy touch, hearing, the touch crisis, Touch, touch remedies, women | Leave a reply
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