Tag Archives: relationship

Emotions, Family, and Relationship to Self

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Emotional Funk

When’s the last time you were in an emotional funk?  Looking at past situations that still make us emotional–angry, sad, frustrated, scared, etc–can be liberating. Avoiding healing can put us into a temporary funk until we choose to get rid of the old and embrace the new.

Always more self to explore

No matter how much work I do on myself and clearing old patterns, beliefs, and messages, it seems there is always a way to explore more deeply.  It’s really rewarding!

Take for example, family relationships.  I come from an amazing supportive family, but I still created beliefs of I’m not good enough and I have to work hard to be loved when I was a child. Emotional Freedom Techniques (a.k.a EFT or tapping), homeopathy, and the Hoffman Process have all been instrumental in changing that.

Family challenges

Some people aren’t as lucky. I have many women come for EFT tapping with a history of abuse, physical or emotional abandonment, and/or neglect. These powerful, strong women learn to move through their past and embrace their power, strength, and joy. Whereas holidays used to be torturous, they are now peaceful.

For some, death has separated family and created unexpected loneliness and grief. Others avoid family at all costs. Many choose their own family.

Family patterns influence relationships

We develop most of our beliefs before the age of five or six (or seven or eight, depending on what aspect of the brain we are discussing.) Our subconscious minds are programmed through identifying positive and negative things and then creating associations and emotions for each. For example, we absorb and mimic our parents and caretakers. Second, we have our own experience of how we are treated and cared for. We observe the world with different brain waves and an inability to use logic. What we are immersed in and exposed to informs what and who we become.

Our beliefs sneak in unwittingly

You have to work hard to be successful. I’m not good enough. Money doesn’t grow on trees. That’s stupid=I’m stupid. You are too old to act like that. Children should be seen and not heard. Others are more important than me. I am always wrong. People only want me for sex. Men should act like x. Women should act like y. Boys don’t cry. Women are weak. Poor people are/rich people are z. I need to act like or be __ to be loved.

These beliefs are insidious and sneaky. They define how you interact with relationships, money, society, food and alcohol, and yourself.

It can seem overwhelming

I’ve been doing healing work with myself and practitioners for 20 years. I’ve learned where my triggers are, why they are happening, and how to communicate clearly. Empathy has become easier. When others are hiding or reacting out of fear I can usually feel that. People have different views because of these beliefs. Individuals are often suffering inside, trying to find joy and happiness when these beliefs are telling them that they don’t GET to be happy.

Happiness and joy

My process of becoming joyful was not always fun. Finding joy does not mean I become perfectly neutral and never experience anger.  That is an interesting concept some people, especially those wanting to travel a path towards enlightenment, seem to think is ideal.  There is a wheel of emotions, and health to me means being able to access any of them.

Emotional health

In my opinion, the marker of emotional health is the ability to see a situation for what it is and how it makes you feel so you can respond to it and move through it. Denying emotion or pretending you are a positive person thus cannot (or should not) feel anger can be extremely damaging.

For example, I have a friend who used to say he never got angry.  What he has realized over time is that he suppresses anger because he learned that anger=violence.  So for self-preservation, he made a conscious choice to never feel anger.  

Instead, those emotions were stored in his body. Those emotions created physical symptoms.  

Now–was that function beneficial and helpful to him over parts of his life? Absolutely.  Was it his best expression of health possible at the time?  For sure.  Can he (and you) learn to regulate emotions without suppressing them?  Of course.  Emotional Freedom Techniques is one of many ways you can learn to do that. (Here’s a 13 or 30-minute video if you want to see the science.)

Become your best self

What does that mean? My best self is aware, awake, and happy. It means I make choices from clarity and confidence instead of reactivity and fear. Talk to me if you want to hear more. Or, join one of my classes on Eventbrite.

Free Tapping Class for Loneliness

I am holding a free 4-week class on tapping for loneliness. You will learn to tap for yourself, AND how to apply these principles for all stresses in your life. Plus, the class is recorded so you can watch it anytime + go back to them. Contact me via Direct message, email, or text, and I will let you know when the final dates are scheduled..

With love and gratitude,

Dawn

Dawn with Hands on heart
Dawn

What Makes a Good Relationship?

Touch Remedies Posted on by

Do Relationships need to be Difficult?

I knew I would delve deep into each relationship challenge in my past as soon as I started writing a book on touch and relationships. In the Hoffman Process I learned how to evaluate and transform patterns (beliefs, habits, etc.) learned from my parents.

I got to examine what my subconscious beliefs were and to decide what I wanted out of my life. It helped me understand where my sensitivities and triggers were and why. Hoffman allowed me to make healthier choices for myself and regain my strength.

It changed how I approached relationships. It improved my self-awareness so I could communicate at an even higher level than I used to. I stopped self-sabotaging as well (usually.) Relationships became easier and stronger.

Is there a Soulmate out there?

I’m taking a course called Learning 2 Find Love for my next certification in Emotional Freedom Techniques (a.k.a. EFT or tapping.) As many of you know, I love looking at myself, my beliefs, and my patterns in deep and new ways.

I thought this class would be a breeze

After all–I’ve already done tons of work on what I want in a partner. I know the non-negotiables, how I want to feel, and how I demand to be treated. I learned how to communicate clearly (and also that I cannot be with someone who cannot communicate.)

Week three and I’ve had some big AHA moments.

After identifying traits we knew we wanted in a partner (via looking at what did and didn’t work in past relationships), we put them into a grid to determine what traits were most important. Alina, the instructor, described it like choosing different ice cream flavors. For example, do I like chocolate ice cream or cherry ice cream better? Some days one may sound better than another, but both are delicious.

It turns out I value playfulness more than communication.

In fact– being playful, being high-energy, and possessing self-awareness were all more important. That doesn’t mean that I’ve thrown high-level communication out the window (it was, after all, #4 of my top 5). I haven’t LOOKED for playfulness as a quality in a partner, and it was often missing in my past relationships. Instead, I played the role of caretaker or mother.

  • Wooden spoon on nose

I have lots of playful, child-like qualities myself

At forty+, I still build snowmen and have conversations with them. Climbing a tree or spinning on a tire swing makes me laugh . In The Touch Crisis I discuss being curious and child-like in exploration around physical contact. Finding play in your own connection to others is important. So why have I dated so many people that only want me to be an adult and show my serious side? Because I had this HUGE blind spot.

Where is your relationship blind spot?

There is another Learning 2 Find Love course being held in February if YOU are interested in doing some of this work in a group. You can set up a time to talk with me if you are interested in learning more. Perhaps you are interested in starting this process for yourself now. I need case studies for certification, so will also be offering a discount if you participate.

Is my soulmate on the way?

According to all the tarot readings I’m seeing online, YES! LOL. Seriously though, whether he is or not, the extra clarity I have found is worth it’s weight in gold. I already knew I would not waste more of my valuable time in a relationship that didn’t suit me. My vision is more clear now.

You deserve a joyful relationship.

With gratitude,

Dawn

Dawn with Hands on heart
Dawn

Healing The Touch Crisis… in Relationships

Touch Remedies Posted on by

I started writing a post here about a month ago about my current thoughts on The Touch Crisis in our culture.  It turned into three pages of stuff that I realized belonged in my relationship book. 

My Next Books

Yes, you read that right.  I’ve been waking up in the morning with inspirations and ideas about my next books on touch–one for relationships and one regarding physical contact and children.  Also, to be thorough, I’ve been interviewing various psychologists, therapists, and families.  These conversations have lead me to recall and evaluate my own experiences in personal relationships. I have been exploring what I learned around healthy contact as a child. It’s healing work I have done before, but I always find another insight or memory to explore.

Finding a Soulmate

I just love people

There are a few partnerships/ marriages I have always admired. Somehow I thought I was too independent for that. Too free-spirited. Now I am immersed in two advanced Emotional Freedom Techniques certification programs. The first program is called Learning to Find Love. It is about healing old relationship patterns, beliefs, and aligning your energies to attract your soulmate. A big part of the class is realizing what you DON’T want and will not accept so you don’t waste time on relationships that don’t suit. I’ve done a lot of this work before. I could be snarky and say “it’s probably why I stay single.” But honestly, I just don’t think I was ready. Plus, there is an unresolved belief that says I cannot be free + be strong + be myself + travel if I’m in a relationship. That’s what I observe… except in those partnerships I admire that I mentioned above. Hmmm.

Intimacy and Sexuality

The second certification is called Path To Passion, in which I will help people find passion and intimacy in their lives again through emotional healing. I hear stories consistently from my female clients about how they have lost their drive. “I love my significant other, but just don’t feel like being intimate.” Libido comes from the brain, and can often be improved through emotional healing if you desire more sexual connection. Studies show Emotional Freedom Techniques (a.k.a. EFT or tapping) can drastically improve libido. But also remember, physical intimacy does not have to be sexual.

The Touch Communication Crisis

I’ve been speaking at book clubs and women’s groups. I’ve had conversations in networking organizations and with support groups. I hear women say things like, “My significant other only touches me when he wants sex.” Then I talk to men who say, “I wish I could just touch my significant other without always having to perform.” Where is the communication breakdown? Is platonic touch lacking for men, or is it taboo even in their own relationships? Do each of us make assumptions about what another person’s touch is communicating–whether male or female?

Letting Children Choose

I’ve also been big on letting my nephews choose when and if they hug me, give me a high-five, or ignore me after a day together. If they can’t say ‘no’ to a hug from me, then what boundaries do they truly have? What am I teaching them about ‘no’ in the future-for themselves and others?

  • What did you learn about healthy physical contact as a child?
  • Were you given permission to hug…or not?

I have not run out of words.

I have a ton to say on the subject of healthy touch. There is even more to share about how we can heal and really learn to connect. Even if you choose not to touch anyone at all–even a handshake–because of the current situation.

Are you ready to heal your relationship stressors?

I will need case studies for my certification programs. Please, click to schedule a Health & Healing Strategy Session with me if this interests you.

With Love,

Dawn

Dawn with Hands on heart
Dawn

Running Out of Steam

Touch Remedies Posted on by

We lose a lot when we stop talking to each other and checking in with what we want or need. Perhaps today is a good day to intentionally create stronger communication with a loved one. 

Excerpt from The Touch Crisis: 

The Touch Crisis Cover
The Touch Crisis Cover

“How about we go practice some martial arts in the park today?” My friend James asked, as he watched me shove a load of massage sheets into the wash machine at my house. “You mentioned you wanted to refresh your skills before heading overseas.”

I closed the machine and threw a scoop of soap into the drawer. “Nah, I’ve already done about fifteen hours of massage in the last few days. I should probably let my hands rest.”

Besides, I’m restless and would rather run than hang around and practice right now. I’d probably get annoyed and irritated and no one needs that. I really don’t want to do anything for anyone else right now, including him.

“You sure? I’ve been playing with releases and tweaking the techniques to be easy on you and play to the strength you have in your kicks,” he encouraged. “Plus, when we get back I can cook some dinner for us while you finish your laundry and client work.”

“How about we go for a run? I should get some cardio in,” I replied, moving past him to get to the kitchen and empty my lunchbox. And I just think I’m too brain-dead to learn anything anyway. “There’s plenty of time to practice before I leave.” Maybe his knee is hurting him again. I should probably make sure he’s okay before I force him to run. “How is your body feeling today anyway? Are you in any pain?”

“Nah,” he said, playfully puffing up, “I’m tough. I can handle any kind of run you throw my way.”

…As our friendship grew, he was respectful with his physical contact. We had great communication around touch boundaries which gave us opportunities to be causal about it, touching each other for emphasis when we talked, plus tons of hugs and snuggles when we were watching movies. I could tell when he was in a lot of pain, which he often was, being an ex-racer and having had many crashes on cycles. If I started giving him little massages, he would tell me not to get into a healing role with him. He said that he was open to getting some massage here and there, but that he didn’t want to become a project or for me to get into work mode. It was hard for me to find the line between offering healing touch and not stepping into healer mode. Sometimes, he would stop me and tell me not to give massage unless he could reciprocate; so, I taught him some massage techniques so he could work on my arms, shoulders, and neck. The intention was to create some reciprocity and balance.

I’m not even sure what or when it happened, but somewhere along the line I did shift into the healer/caretaker mode because it was so natural to me. And as our friendship changed, our level of communication did not keep up with what was needed in order to allow the whole relationship to shift with our changing needs, wants, and experiences. Eventually, we both stopped paying attention to how we were feeling about touch. I didn’t realize until much later that I had started feeling like I was over-giving. My brain would justify it with “I’m the one who asked if I could try that technique,” or “I am the one who started working on his arm because I was bored with the movie; so since I had initiated it, it felt unfair to be upset and demand something different.” Right? Nope. Not at all.

Suddenly, subtle layers of inequality had settled into my body and into my deeper consciousness. Because I didn’t make a choice to tune into myself and see what was really truly going on, I started allowing other aspects of our friendship to exacerbate the feeling of inequality. Suddenly, his being twenty minutes late, even when communicated, became an issue and another bit of evidence that he didn’t value the friendship. Stuck in my own story of over-giving, I had no idea that he was feeling the same…

The communication balance had broken because our intentions were not clearly expressed.  The safety of the culture and communication that we had so carefully built between the two of us was dissolving. The nurturing warm feeling it had offered both of us was replaced with confusion, desperation, and neediness.

Click here to purchase The Touch Crisis on Amazon. Or– request it from your local bookstore.

Note: I am trying to get 100 YouTube subscribers so I can name my own channel! Will you please help by clicking HERE and subscribing? Thank you so much. 😀

With love,

Dawn

Dawn with Hands on heart
Dawn