Everything we do is to try to feel loved, accepted, or as if we are part of something; That we matter and belong. Our brain takes information from the outside world and creates stories to protect us from hurt and harm; to keep us safe from emotional and physical turmoil. Our brain puts things in boxes and creates filters through which we view our whole world.
Amanda, my editor and writing support (because there was NO way I was going to write a book then have some editor tear it apart and tell me I have to fully redo it) uses this term.
I think it’s because so much emotional sh*t has to be released and processed when we share our story; Telling about life experience includes revealing struggles, heartbreak, vulnerable moments, shame and other emotions, and secrets to friends, family, and colleagues. Knowing strangers are going to read it is the easy part!
With Divine Assistance
Situations that were synergistic and stories that needed to be shared started to appear. People told me more and more about how touch or lack thereof was impacting their lives. During the pandemic I still spoke about how to navigate touch boundaries. How to connect even if handshakes and hugs were not an option.
It’s All In the Timing
The Touch Crisis is still getting great feedback and reviews. As I travel around the country, individuals are reading it and telling me how important this message is for them.
You Can’t Make this St*ry Up
Is a book about stories. 19 brave people sharing their experience as they wrote their secrets onto paper for everyone to see. Stories of abuse and fear; of romance, heartbreak, and triumphs; of race cars and veterans; of religious conflicts; of loss. Then, Amanda, our writing coach, shares how we came into her life at the perfect time to teach her something important or shift her life. (See below for the YouTube links of interviews I did + Amanda’s podcast with me.)
It’s All About YOU
The people you meet on the street, your coworkers, those who have different opinions and viewpoints- they are all here to teach you something. Are you listening? Are you open to learning about yourself through your projection onto others?
When ‘others’ create fear, anger, and frustration in you… do you know that is something that is calling for healing within yourself? It’s not about them.
I’ve traveled across the US and Europe and see this phenomenon. Individuals do their best to feel love and connection– even as they push others away and judge them for being different.
We create identity and connection to our own groups by categorizing others- sometimes as inferior or opposites.
Can’t we all just take a moment to see that everyone is doing the best for themselves and their families with the information they have, their personal and medical and social history, and a desire to live a happy and healthy life? They have their own st*ry, just as you have yours. Difference is- you don’t know what theirs entails.
I had a series of mishaps Tuesday beginning with an injury and followed by a theft. My friend, Coach Les Hill, was gracious enough to offer support in a variety of ways. Someone stole my motorcycle gloves; he offered me another pair. I hurt my leg and a very very deep bruise was starting. The remedies I had been using to care for myself had been stolen as well. He offered an extra level of support with topical arnica.
Belief Systems Stirred
The hardest thing was not that the theft or injury happened, but that it stirred up a deep belief I’ve been working on with my colleagues using EFT tapping and homeopathy. The belief? People take advantage and steal my energy via time, stuff, and money if I’m not 100% attentive.
I know where the source of this belief is, and it’s about 80% less potent. Every time the trigger occurs it is less emotional and impactful.
Energy Returns Through Others’ Care
How do you allow others to care for and support you? I used to think accepting help from others made me weak. Or it meant I owed them something because I should create equality in energy. There was a distrust that others were giving freely; I had learned that many people, especially guys when I was younger (sorry but true), expected something in return. I boldly turned down all help offered, stubbornly taking care of everything in my life myself. It’s all different for me now. I choose to accept support. It’s pure awesomeness. It refills my energy cup. It allows me to give to others.
Can You Have King/Queen Treatment?
First, some of us are taught that accepting help creates vulnerability. Second, we learn from our childhood experiences what attachment to a loved one looks like. Many learn being treated well is not safe; kindness is a manipulation tool. Third, some learn being treated well was fleeting—perhaps one sober minute we are the apple of our parents eye, and the next minute we are backhanded. Or worse. That can all be healed.
Even without abuse, many of us subconsciously learn we don’t deserve. That we aren’t worthy. In my relationship and intimacy training, my teacher says that the hardest thing for men and women to accept in a healthy relationship is their partner treating them like a king or queen. However, we all deserve that level of care from those we love; it does not make one less of a man or less of a woman. In fact, it’s a key part of connection and relationships.
Receiving Helps Others
For example: If I try to show you love and care through help and support, and every time I try you turn it down, I may feel unloved. If my love language is acts of service, and you don’t allow me to help you, I may feel unimportant or as if you were pushing me away.
Obviously there’s boundaries with everything, and there are times when people do give to manipulate, or they are being boundary-less and it can be too much. However, I encourage you to look within yourself. Can you receive gifts, help, and support graciously? Do you allow it to create connection? Do you know that you deserve it?
Another Crash, Another Injury
In conclusion, I felt the support again when I crashed again this morning on a trail. I was extra grateful to still have this Arnica on hand. Above all else, be kind to yourself. Allow others to be good to you. Let’s have conversation about how you can have more support, care, and connection in your life. Schedule here.
Better Intimate Relationships
Mastering the art of receiving support gracefully and knowing you deserve it will also have a positive influence on your partnerships, your marriage, and your future relationships. It will create more connection and communication between you and your partner. How do I know? I’ve experienced it myself as I have shifted beliefs using EFT tapping, and I’ve seen my own clients have powerful changes in their confidence and connection. Ready to explore that for yourself? Then let’s chat.
This is not the first time I’ve downsized and let go of stuff. I sold my house in Red Wing and moved into a townhouse one year before I moved to Sweden. I did another round of downsizing when I moved out of the townhouse to head overseas. I’m doing it again in preparation for a simple and more flexible way of living. Plus, I don’t want a storage unit, nor do I want to burden my parents with too much stuff in their space.
Hard to Let Go
I thought letting go would get easier. Yet the ‘stuff’ leftover is the stuff that has the most emotional connection for me.
It was 2005 or so, and I was pushing myself hard—running a business with multiple employees, teaching 12 credits at the technical college, and going to school myself. Suddenly, my body couldn’t take it anymore and I got really sick. Unable to move kind of sick.
Anyone who knows me knows I have limited capacity for movies and television. I’m too restless and really like doing stuff all the time (although that has become much better since Europe.) To get me to sit still for 2+ hours was a feat—unless I was cuddling, multitasking, or at a theater. I was so exhausted I watched the whole Godfather series back-to-back without fidgeting.
Learning From My Students
My teaching assistant taught my classes then stopped by with a card and this bear from my students. I was shocked! So much so, I don’t even think I gave them a proper “thank you” when I did have the strength to resume teaching.
I honestly hadn’t thought my teaching performance was high-level. It fell far short of the quality I demanded of myself. Stressed out and distracted, I flagellated myself for my lack of attentiveness and awareness of their individual struggles; my lack of support; the ability to communicate the nuances of energy, touch, intention and healing to them; my ability to help them heal. I didn’t feel as connected emotionally or energetically to the students as I had in past years because I was too busy doing stuff to focus on the relationships. I learned that perhaps they were more forgiving of me than I was with myself.
This bear has served as a reminder to me to be gentle with myself. To find balance. To let go of internal and external expectations. That health comes first. That relationships are more important than stuff and doing.
The Other Side
Yet at the same time the second hardest thing to let go of was my PILES of flashcards. To me this represented time, schooling, energy, the intent to absorb all the knowledge conveyed in my classes. I threw out piles before I even decided to take these pictures. I felt like I was throwing away hours of work + piles of knowledge.
Flashcards in French and Swedish, of homeopathic remedy themes and indications, anatomy cards highlighting parts of the brain and where all your organs attach to your bones and other soft tissues. They felt like a time capsule of my big tests and academic passions from high school to this year.
The Anxiety hit…maybe I should save them and start studying again! After all, it would be great to brush up on my French. I used to be fluent-why not fire up those neurological pathways and capture the beauty of the language of love? Stuff my free time with remembering all the stuff I used to know?
Let Go to Grow
I’ve done one vision board in my life. It’s three pages (because I folded the board like a book to organize it into personal, professional, and travel. Letting go of stuff reminds me to grow. That clinging onto past relationships, belief systems, icons, and self-imposed measurements doesn’t serve.
I also let go of letters from students and past boyfriends, of cards from people who have died, as well as the subtle belief that I need those items to keep those memories and feelings close to my heart. The items themselves do not make me a better teacher, mentor, healer, or person. The lessons I learned from those people are invaluable. I can honor that best by facilitating similar life-changing experiences for those who ask.
What Are You Ready to Let Go Of?
I’m not still talking about stuff, although maybe that is it for you. What do you envision in your life? What would make you joyful, free, happy? I can help you explore and let go. The clutter, the self-judgment, the expectations. You deserve it.
Have you ever felt the loss of a relationship and wondered what happened? Maybe a friendship, a marriage, a partnership, a work colleague who moved on and forgot that you existed because you weren’t seeing each other daily? The effort it took to stay connected was suddenly too much? Perhaps one of you got too busy, too complacent, too comfortable and it had nothing to do with capacity.
Perhaps instead you were excited about something—an idea, an event, an opportunity—and then the excitement just… disappeared.
I’ve realized I have limited capacity.
I know… it shocked me too! I’ve been starting to do (really bad but I’m learning) videos that I’m posting on YouTube, creating new classes, new business offerings, and finishing the co-authored book that was started two years ago; we were going to meet April 2020 to finalize and release it in November, but just met this April instead. (Look for the launch in January 2022!)
Although I’m great at pushing myself physically and mentally, especially in my business, it turns out there is a limited capacity for creativity. For connecting through words and ideas.
When I’m expending my energy creatively, it turns out I have no energy for daily chitchat with people—even those I love dearly. I want solitude and sometimes want to escape from everything. But I’ve also found that even though my capacity to text, talk, and facetime has shifted, my capacity for love, acceptance, and compassion has not. Even though my last blog talked about how I was “trained to hate women,” I honestly don’t. It was an awareness of the training and the subtle belief systems that make me wary, that made me sensitive, that made me suspicious about others’ motives. When I wrote the blog, I had to be honest to what came up in the healing session-as dramatic and judgmental as it sounded.
We are all involved in multiple relationships and play multiple roles in our lives. Whether that be at work, home, with friends, volunteer organizations, spiritual and religious communities- we only have so much capacity. There’s even the theory that we only have capacity to maintain 150 relationships of any type at once.
So what happens when our energy, our passion, and our drive gets spent schooling the kids. Doing zoom meetings. Avoiding people at the grocery store. How does that impact our personal and intimate relationships? How does that affect our husband/wife/partner?
So many people have divorced and broken up during this pandemic. Why?
They Are Driving Me CRAZY!
Some would say it’s because their partner drove them crazy. What happened to the love and desire to be together? How did YOU change—your internal expectations, beliefs, and sensitivities—and project that onto your partner without any communication? How did your partner being home or around more often shift your role in the family unit? Where did you lose your capacity?
What is the Role You Each Play?
Is your role your identity? Was your partner’s role theirs? What is your capacity for being present to the reason things have shifted? The understanding of the loss of connection?
Connection starts by observing self and understanding your own drive. When we are so tied to our identity and/or role, and become offended, hurt, challenged, or self-conscious when another doesn’t help us align with that role-doesn’t play the part they have always played—that is not the other person’s fault.
Limited Capacity for Relationships
If you find yourself “breaking up” with friends, family members, or partners because belief systems are different, it’s a great time to come to me for some Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT Tapping) sessions. Why? Because it’s your own internal sensitivity being challenged. Your own belief system.
Your Own Unresolved Subconscious Crap Creates A Lot of Problems
How do I know? I can listen to people on totally opposite ends of the spectrum from me. I may be dismayed, shocked, turned-off, or confused by their logic, however I don’t take it personally and don’t feel the need to attack them for their beliefs. Instead I have an open conversation about it—if they choose. (Plus our brains all work differently and I learn TONS from other peoples’ perspectives.)
The more healing I do around my belief systems, the less triggered and upset I get. The more capacity I have for love, openness, and compassion.
Limited Capacity for Openness
Can you be open to listening without offense when others share an opposite opinion? Becoming offended, judgmental, and angry does nothing. Nothing to solve problems nor create solutions. Especially in interpersonal relationships.
If you find yourself more stressed than usual because of the last year, and of what others are doing/thinking/believing, and are open to a conversation, give me a call or schedule a chat here.
I’m here for you. Non-judgmentally and with open arms.
“It’s hard to hate women when there’s so much awesomeness around me.” The words that came from my mouth on the fourth day of class shocked me. Where on earth did that come from? Here I am, on a massage table, getting CranioSaral work by at least five women, and THAT is what I say?
I laughed out loud. Partially because it was a funny statement, partially because I had no idea where it came from, and partially because I was waiting for the judgement to rain down.
I went back to my campsite that evening after a soak in the hot springs. It was 1 am; I was mulling over my experiences so far.
All week, every relationship that has come up that has needed healing was a betrayal by another woman. From secrets being betrayed, my body being judged, my ideas being shot down, my motives scorned. There wasn’t room for me in this world as a strong, independent woman in my younger years, and I had carried this forward in my body.
A Simple Intention To Heal
My physical intention for this week-long CranioSacral class was easy: Release the scar tissue in my lungs and chest that had been created by the mold exposure as well as the damage caused by the refrigerator that crushed me against a steel beam and caused me to lose function in my right arm for a few weeks.
My Emotional intention was even easier (so I thought.) To heal old relationship issues so I could open my heart even more. After all-I’m still friendly with most of my exes… I knew where my fear was, what my belief system was. I just needed a bit of support clearing that.
Ha. I thought I had work to do around my relationships with men. It makes me chuckle now.
Sitting in the room of 10 female students and 2 female teaching assistants (and the one male teacher) the first day of class, I found ease, grace, and familiarity in us all staking our claim in our roles in the introductions. Like a litany of triumphs- whether traumas, successes, or life struggles.
My name is x, here’s my intention of learning and/or healing for the week, here’s the experiences I’ve had. Strong identities shared. Here is my story. This is what you get to see of me. This is how I choose to portray myself.
A safe space to share trauma is rare. But allowing another woman to see the strength you hold; the power and beauty and sexuality—unheard of.
So we hid. Behind stories. Or perhaps—it was just me hiding. Behind my own ego, my own belief that my 23 years of healing myself had somehow brought me to a different level.
Are Women Taught To Hate Women?
Our group discussion as women the day after my session was fascinating. The same themes came up over and over.
“I don’t trust women.”
“I’ve never experienced love and trust for a group of women before.”
“We are taught as a society to judge and hate women. WTF.”
Together, this group of women let go of hate and bonded in a tighter way than I have ever experienced.
A woman who shared the experience on the table with me said, “Dawn feels like a sister. I wasn’t going to let go of her hand until I knew she was okay.” She turned to me. Protective. Powerful. “I don’t trust very many women. But I can honestly say I love you.”
We discussed how society had trained us to be competitive, mistrustful, judgmental, and hateful towards each other. Not how men had, but how other women had. How we, as women, had lost so much by betraying each other.
Am I Being Melodramatic?
Even writing this story—it seems excessive. Is it true we’ve been taught to distrust and hate each other so much? Reflecting on my experiences + how I hear my male friends discuss how baffled they are by the way women treat each other—I would say yes.
Ask me who my five closest friends are—the ones who know the most about me, who I trust with my life and my soul—only one is female. Fascinating. I’m not judging that or even saying it should be more balanced. Just noticing. Very curious. Curious about the hidden culture that set me up to distrust women—and how my mind latched onto unhealed past circumstances to believe it.
A Personal History of Betrayal; Unhealed Circumstances
Maybe it started in first grade when a classmate called me a whore. I didn’t even know what it meant, but I could tell she was angry and that it was really mean.
Maybe it was in 5th grade when one of my good friends made me choose between her and my other two female friends. I was told I must align or be left behind. I chose wrong that time. The second time she gave me that ultimatum she lost my friendship—or what was left of it.
Maybe it was in sixth grade when a friend told my secret to the whole school. When I got home I got in trouble for sharing the same secret. Doubly shamed.
Maybe it was the girls who made fun of me when I developed early; perhaps it was my male friends’ girlfriends who assumed I was sleeping with their partners, as they clung with a jealous ferocity to the boy they had captured.
Maybe it was the time in high school when I overheard two women talking about how I was having sex with my boyfriend; their shocked tones and catty judgement easy to hear through the bathroom stall.
Hell, I didn’t know I was doing the stuff they said I was doing with him. I would have been shocked at myself too at that age.
College Was No Different
Perhaps it was observing women at the university; they were cruel to each other, judging, commenting, hiding their insecurity behind a superiority complex and trendy clothing. I wanted nothing to do with it. I preferred the martial arts gym with the men where acceptance seemed easy.
Perhaps it was one of my closest female friends forgetting I existed when I was in my 20s; knowing I was staying at her house for the weekend so I could go to school, yet inviting her closest 5 female friends over to dress up and have dinner together. She was very cordial about inviting me into the group when I returned from school and they were gathered together. She even offered to share her dinner with me.
Perhaps it was being accused of disrespecting women’s relationships. Maybe it was because I portrayed myself as confident and independent and it made others uncomfortable.
I just didn’t have any awareness of how guarded I am when women get together in a group. Whatever happened in class this last week pulled the remaining trauma out of my body and my system. It’s been transformative. Emotional.
It reminded me how important it is to continue our own healing processes. How vital it is to look into the shadow side of ourselves; how our unhealed situations in our past as well as familial patterns influence our current reality.
If you are interested in exploring your unhealed moments in time, schedule a health and healing strategy session with me. I’d love to have that conversation with you.
Sugar, alcohol, relationships, social media. Overindulgence at many levels. We try to stop, but just like we rebelled against authority when we were young, our minds rebel against the restrictions we attempt to put on those foods we crave.
Why can’t we control cravings?
There are consistent patterns that become clear when people begin using EFT tapping to clear their cravings, compulsions, and addictive habits.
Food contains love.
Does that ice cream remind you of warm, sunny days with your grandparents? Does that chocolate remind you of the romantic time in Belgium? Or maybe it’s hanging out with a dear friend and laughing your head off. Maybe that alcohol is a great reward for a long day’s work, or makes you feel like you are relaxing at home…even if you are still doing necessary tasks for your family and household.
The Internal Critic
Our favorite indulgences can also serve to numb or avoid the negative self-talk… or reinforce it. What a great way to self-punish? “I’m already angry at myself for messing up that relationship. What’s it matter if I put on a few extra pounds?” Then we can flagellate ourselves for eating too much. “See, you can’t even stop eating chips. No wonder no one loves you.”
Many people, especially women, gain weight as a form of protection after a history of abuse or relationships gone awry. It’s easier not to be seen than to be seen as a sexual object. It’s dangerous not to overindulge.
It can also be a great avoidance mechanism of our deeper thoughts. We eat because we are bored, avoiding doing a task, or because the action of the stimulant (or depressant) changes our hormones. We use food, alcohol, and drugs to cope.
It doesn’t stop there
Don’t be fooled. Overworking, exercise, and being busy all the time can also be used for emotional numbing or regulation. It’s just more accepted by our culture to overwork than to overeat. As is our television and internet consumption. Research shows EFT can permanently help change that..
You can break those cravings and still have the foods you love.
What I am saying is you can learn to find the love without the food so you can eat and drink as a choice. When you do your healing work, letting go of the compulsions becomes easy. Watch my story about alcohol below to learn more.
Take an EFT Tapping Class
I’m offering a special 4-week class that will teach you how to work with some of your compulsions and cravings. Sign up HERE for the EFT for Cravings Class.
No matter how hard I try to take pictures that capture the beauty and energy of my travels, and no matter how beautiful the area, I can’t seem to do it. Pictures don’t pick up on the subtle nuances, the play of colors, the reflections of light… unless you have an amazing camera at the perfect time of the day and at the perfect angle. Even then, the soul of the space can be elusive.
It’s the Same In Relationships
The emotions and beliefs that drive each of us are so subtle, so nuanced, and so under-the-surface that one can be experiencing reactions and emotions for seemingly no reason. For example, I mentioned in a social media post February 18th about a conversation I overheard at a campfire that reminded me of a time in my life I used to question really little things my partner was doing.
Why Am I Questioning?
“Are you sure you added enough seasoning?” “Is it time to check the steak on the grill?” “Don’t you think that adding the garlic now will make it burn?”
I Thought I was Being Curious and Helpful
I did not realize what I was doing at the time, even after I had a partner call me out on it. “Why are you always questioning what I’m doing?” he asked. I told him I was just trying to learn. Which, in a way, I was.
I was aware enough at the time to know that I didn’t get why people were doing things different, and that there may be ‘better’ ways to do something than what I had learned.
The True Picture
Underlying the questioning was a subtle worry and anxiety nagging me that it “wasn’t the right way” or that something would get wrecked or the flavors wouldn’t be as great. It may be good that way, but wouldn’t it be better if it was done this way?
Looking back I think, does it really even matter?
The Great Chili Experiment
I made chili for one of my parties and a chef that attended commented, “You toasted the spices first, didn’t you?” I was stunned he could taste the difference. He tole me he was impressed. I didn’t toast spices for the chef; I did it to be fun and to see if I could tell the difference. Yet on some other days when my partner made dinner I would hover, thinking it wouldn’t be as good if he didn’t do (insert whatever action I was anxious about that day.)
What Drives You (That Drives Others Nuts?)
So what drives you in a relationship (familial, friend, professional, or intimate) that causes disharmony? Picture the last time you were anxious or upset about something little. What creates that little bit of dis-ease inside your body or brain? What are you are personally sensitive to about what your partner is doing, and where may that come from? Often what we are sensitive to in others reflects our own insecurities, belief systems, or judgements within our selves.
The Emotional Disharmony Can Clear
Using EFT Tapping to remove those worries, habits, or beliefs will not take away your personality or prevent you from speaking your truth. It’s like wiping the fingerprints off your camera lens so your picture is crystal clear. It is healthy and important to feel all of your emotions. It’s good for each of us to be challenged, to question others, to learn from observation and experience, and to have differences of opinion. But it’s also empowering to slow down, be patient, and observe.
Are Your Emotions Bringing You Closer to Happiness?
However, if you find yourself interfering, judging, jealous, irritated, or critical instead of curious, open, playful, and accepting with those you care about or must work with, I can help you. Picture your ideal level of communication in a relationship. EFT can help you navigate feelings that may be lying under the surface. You can step into your highest and most honest level of communication in a way that serves both you and the person you are communicating with.
Sex. The word alone brings up different images, ideas, and belief systems for everyone. Perhaps you are singing a George Michael song in your head now.
Or maybe you are thinking about playfulness, connection, and love. Others are thinking of embarrassment, shame, religion, trauma, or manipulation. Sex can be equated with power or equality, connection or separation.
Perhaps you have images of lengthy, slow, explorative, sensual, erotic tantric sessions or lively, exciting, powerful, sweaty, screaming, vigorous experiences. Awkward first explorations or easy synergistic rhythms born from familiarity.
Lust or love. Any combination of any of the above. The list goes on and on.
I have EFT clients who WANT to want sex with their partner. Yet something stands in the way. The lack of sex is blamed on stress. Schedules. Kids. Lack of desire/ hormones. Body image challenges. (Am I really desirable? I have x, y, or z wrong with my body. If my partner desires me… they must be crazy!) Feelings of duty, anger, frustration, disconnection, shame, or memories of trauma haunt the bedroom.
Emotional Freedom Techniques (a.k.a. EFT or Tapping) Can Help You Desire AND Enjoy Sex!
Most sexual dysfunction has an emotional root. Even when lack of desire, lack of orgasm, premature ejaculation, or body response challenges seem hormonal or physically related, clearing emotions, trauma, shame, guilt, fear, and/or belief systems can restore optimal sexual drive, and performance. EFT can restore your enjoyment–or allow you to find it if you haven’t before!
Your Bedroom is Your Business
It doesn’t matter what you want your sex life to look like. Heck, maybe all you want is healthy touch and an opportunity to cuddle. Perhaps a connection needs to be built or rebuilt before sex is even on the table. Maybe you are trying to learn your own body through masturbation and are still having challenges. Healing so you can find satisfaction, whether with self or other, is all possible with EFT.
Let’s Have an Honest Chat
Some people are still trying to figure out their own body and what they want (and don’t) in the bedroom. Maybe what you want is the courage to talk to your partner about curiosities, explorations, deeper desires or fantasies. Perhaps you just want the courage and words to gently educate another on what you like.
I explored Death Valley National Park Thursday. I was high-energy, motivated, and feeling playful. After a longer hike in the morning I had plenty of energy left, so kept exploring. With the sun high in the sky, rock music playing on the radio, and coffee in hand–because those little things added to the amazing energy–I decided to knock out a couple of scenic drives that had some small walks and overlooks. When I got back to my campsite, I was a bit tired, and climbed into my tent to do some stretching before starting the bonfire. I woke at 1 am, wondering what had happened, and why I was so exhausted.
Little Things Add Up
Looking back, I had knocked out almost 15 miles of hiking, mostly in mountainous and hilly terrain. No wonder! This happens in all areas of our lives, especially in personal and professional relationships. Those little things we say to others; the small ways in which we are critical, or in which we don’t ask for our own needs to be met; those unspoken expectations that create a feeling of being unloved, unwanted, or unappreciated. Little things can become really big things–the same the way water can carve through rock little by little over time.
It’s Different For Everyone
Some people love getting praise and appreciation for their efforts and it spurs them to do more and be better; others do not-and it can even make them feel embarrassed and unmotivated to do it again. I am not one to be motivated by praise. I had a partner that was, so I had to make a conscious choice to think about giving him what he needed.
Are You Being Polite?
Some of us, especially in midwestern culture, were taught (via example and words) to be nice, polite, or stoic. We were subtly taught to not ask for what we want; in fact, we often were shown by example to politely turn down offers a couple times before accepting something we did. Or that it’s polite to offer over and over again if another turns us down, just in case. How odd is that?
It Is Not Rude to Say Yes to What You Want
I don’t believe we have to give up our own needs to be kind to others. It’s also not rude to accept another person’s offer if we really want to. I’m also not saying you should never compromise, or that consciously choosing to do for another is bad.
However, for healthy relationships to exist, you MUST be comfortable communicating what you want and need. Period. To do that, you must also be AWARE of what you want and need and overcome any emotional hesitation to speaking that truth.
Start With the Little Things
EFT Tapping can help you speak your truth. I can help you clear those hesitations and brain patterns that have you automatically saying no when you mean yes. You can have everything you want if you can clearly ask for it. That means you also have to believe you deserve it. That you are worth it. That in a healthy relationship of any kind, others want to give back to you—even if their way looks different.
Don’t Exhaust Yourself
When you find yourself feeling disconnected or unappreciated in any kind of relationship (personal, professional, or intimate) give me a call. More often than not EFT tapping can clear the little things that are adding up to those big emotions.
Little things matter. You matter. Let me help. Call me or join my upcoming EFT Tapping class now! It’s only $17 + 48 hours before class starts–you will receive a link to get a second person in FOR FREE. I’m here for you.
I went to my parents’ house out in the country and took a hike into the back hills where I used to frolic as a child. Memories came flooding back as I wandered through the open, snowy woods.
I remembered the neighbor, Ms. Mueller, who I had been told was a survivor from World War II and the Nazi camps. She lived up the hill behind our house on her own, windows covered with black garbage bags. I was always told not to bother her, yet if I saw her outside of her house curiosity would win over and I’d talk to her. She was very kind, if not a little strange. My dad would tell me that was part of her PTSD, but I didn’t really know what that meant.
For the Love of A Child
In elementary school one year we made paper May Day baskets, decorated them with crayon, and filled them with candy. I decided I wanted to give a basket to her; perhaps she was lonely and need some drawings for her refrigerator. I hung it on her doorknob and knocked on her door and ran into the woods to watch, terrified and excited. Would she be angry for being disturbed? I didn’t even know which of her two doors she used. I waited for a while, then ran up again and knocked on the other door even harder, confused at the lack of response. She never answered the door, and I left a bit disappointed, but hopeful she would find it later.
Home Has Changed
The structure of the forest has changed. I searched for the tree where I used to hide out and read books in my dad’s deer stand. (Around the age of 8 I “ran away” and was determined I’d live there to show my mom how much I didn’t need her rules.) The sacred meadow where I used to sit on the rock and overlook the cow pasture is now full of bushes and trees and thorns. A temporary deer stand exists elsewhere, ladder propped against a young vital tree that can hold the weight.
Can You Go Home Again?
When I come here and go into the woods, I remember the simple innocence; the comfort of wanting to be away but knowing I had a place to return to where I was loved. I think about all those who don’t have that right now and feel trapped in houses with people who don’t love them.
The water is off. I know 20 years ago I could have walked to any neighbor’s house to refill the water jugs. I’m sure I still could, but it feels different doing it now, since I don’t know the neighbors, than it did when I could bike to the neighboring farm to ask for a cup of sugar for my mom. Why is that? Has living in the city and owning my own house and seeing the separation of the world taken away my ability to knock on someone’s door? Maybe I should tap on that.
Have Neighborly Ways Changed?
I’m not scared and I know I won’t get hurt. It’s almost as if there’s an unwritten social rule. I guess I could go knock and introduce myself. I don’t know why asking for water seems like a harder step. If I were in a foreign country, I probably would, as if being a foreigner excuses my need. But I’m home, aren’t I?
I’ve Changed More Than Home Has
As I followed the deer paths, the landscape no longer looked familiar to me. I remember coming here when I was 24. I think it’s the last time I was out here. My cat had died unexpectedly in front of me the same day I broke up with a boyfriend.
I had returned to bury my cat next to my childhood dog, and took to the woods to heal my broken heart. I sat on a fallen tree, laid down and promptly fell asleep. The sun was in a different space when I awoke, and a deer was calmly grazing nearby. She looked at me as I rolled my head to look at her more clearly, and we shared a moment together. She kept eating, and slowly ambled away. It connected me to what’s real.
What’s My Point?
It was a reminder connection and love is eternal, no matter how painful it can be. Peace can be found in gentle moments, no matter where home is or isn’t. Even in the grief of a death, even when all feels lost, there is still the part of self that grew from that connection.
That’s what I choose to take back with me to the city. Stillness. Hope. Knowledge that beauty is unfolding and will expose itself when this part of the journey is done.
What is Home for You?
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