Dawn Bennett’s books on healthy touch include The Touch Crisis: Navigating the Tricky Terrain of Bringing Healthy Touch Back to Our Culture. This isher first book and is focused on improving your touch communication. Use Healthy touch to connect to yourself, others, and your community. The Touch Crisis contains exercises and stories to help you relate and navigate touch communication.
Firstly, you can heal relationships and decrease loneliness. Secondly, you can teach children boundaries. Thirdly, you can include others using healthy touch in your personal and professional communities. Too many feel lonely. You don’t have to be one of them.
For example, if you are craving healthy touch, or looking for “that missing piece” in your attempt to improve relationships and results with your loved ones, peers, or clients, The Touch Crisis: Navigating the Tricky Terrain of Bringing Healthy Touch Back to Our Culture book will answer questions you don’t know you have and empower you to catalyze deeper connections with everyone whose life you touch.
Dawn Bennett is available for speaking, interviews, and podcasts about healthy touch.
I had just dropped my rucksack on the bedroom floor and stepped into the bright, open hallway when I heard the ruckus. I peeked over the open stairwell and saw my two nephews pounding up the stairs with excitement, the six-year-old, Geoffrey, a few paces ahead of his younger brother.
“Auntie Dawn! Auntie Dawn!” I knelt down to receive the oncoming barrage of love, and my heart nearly burst with happiness when I saw his sweet face round the corner. His brown hair bounced as he ran toward me, his green eyes sparkling with glee, a giant smile on his face.
He almost knocked me over as he ran into me full-force for a giant hug. I wrapped my arms around his little frame as soon as he crashed into me. His brother joined from the left side, blonde curls framing his sticky face, and snuck in for a group hug. As I gave them both a big squeeze, overwhelmed by the outpouring of love from their big hearts, I wanted to hold onto them forever.
“Auntie Dawn, I missed you! Are you going away again?” Geoffrey’s tiny voice was strained with anxiety.
Oh no, I thought, surprised by the length and ferocity of his hug as I held him close. I was suddenly feeling polarized between the immense amount of love flowing between us and the intruding guilt sinking into my stomach. I didn’t think it mattered to him that I was gone for nine months. They don’t see me that often anyway.
Suddenly, the two large dogs descended on the three of us, tails wagging and tongues flying, trying to get in on the action. As the youngest let go and started asking questions, Geoffrey kept me locked in his arms with an intensity I hadn’t felt from him before.
I don’t want to be another person in his life who comes and goes and makes him feel unstable, unloved, or disconnected. I thought we stayed really connected over FaceTime. I guess that wasn’t enough.
As I held him close, trying to reconcile the overwhelming energy of the dogs, the barrage of questions from the youngest, and the increasing concern about him, images and sounds of a different memory emerged—reminding me of the last time a wonderful hug led to questions about connection and my responsibilities within it.
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Every culture we are engaged in, whether personal, professional, or geographical, has different touch rules. Many are unwritten. So how can we approach connecting through touch in a genuine and open way?
The restaurant had the feel of a small, simple café, complete with a tall Norwegian blonde woman behind a coffee counter and a glass case full of baked goods. Wanting to feel part of the culture, I walked up and grabbed the Norwegian menu. Maybe I can figure this out. I was a little nervous, as I really wanted to connect, but wasn’t sure what was appropriate as far as initiating conversation. Will I talk to people in English? Swedish/Norwegian hybrid?Well, I don’t understand much of this menu, so it’s already looking bad. I traded it for English and skimmed the page. No wonder. Whale steak, some kind of fish I’ve never heard of, and accoutrements I barely understand in English. After ordering, I re-gathered my courage and sauntered upstairs into the near-empty open dining room that included a small stage to my left and a bar to my right. The windows overlooked the ferry, fjord, and small patio, which was packed. Most of the inside chairs had been pulled outside and added to tables crowded with people and drinks. That’s okay. I’ve been outside all day. It won’t hurt me to sit inside near the windows. After claiming a chair by loading it with my stuff, I wandered up to the bar for a glass of wine just as the bartender ran to the back. I waited patiently, and a tall, stocky, obviously-Norwegian gentleman and eventually a shorter brunette woman joined me in the wait.
“Var är han?” the man asked, followed by something I didn’t understand, as he gestured towards the back and then down the stairs I had ascended earlier.
“Du talar för fort. Jag föstar inte. Kan du säga det igen?” I said, telling him in Swedish that he spoke too fast and I needed him to repeat what he’d said. I focused intently on the general words as he asked if the bartender was in back or getting food from the kitchen.
“Is English easier?” he asked.
I nodded. “Yes, but I should have a conversation to learn.”
The woman chimed in and my brain immediately tried to pinpoint her accent, “It’s really a friendly space here. You can just pull up at any table and join the conversation. Are you waiting for the ferry as well?”
When the bartender returned and took their order, I paused. Just pull up and join the conversation? I felt my stomach flip. From what I know, that might not be appropriate. Plus with those full tables, it seems like a lot to manage with a plate full of food.
Dawn, my other voice chided, you would have jumped on that in three seconds at home, plus that’s what you resolved to do. Remember being in Ireland in 2009? You had no compunction about joining conversations, touching people, engaging, and being yourself. Yes, you are more culturally sensitive now, as well as more aware of the impact of unwanted touch on people, but don’t hide out at the perfect moment.
Gryllefjord, Norway
I shook my head at myself. I’m back to being sensitive to people and a bit fearful of overstepping cultural boundaries. Perhaps I can bridge that with more ease this time—after I eat at a proper table.
“Miss, what can I get you?” the bartender asked.
When we all had our drinks, we started introductions. The woman was German and was traveling Norway in an RV with her husband and three large dogs. The man was from Oslo, Norway, and was on a two-week holiday visiting friends. Both returned to their respective groups on the patio. My food arrived and I was grateful for the space while people-watching through the glass. People are sitting very close to each other, and most are laughing and engaging and talking with enthusiasm, but they are not touching casually at all. Even the couples don’t seem to be touching much.
“Come, join us outside.” The German lady peeked her head in the door, her shoulder-length curly hair standing out from under her beanie. “Don’t be in here all by yourself.”
“I was just going to eat first and then come out,” I said, startled and hesitant to leave my quiet nest, “but okay.”
“How can I help? Shall I grab your water and wine?” she asked, as she reached forward to grab them.
“Thank you.” I followed her with my food out to the corner table, where her husband sat.
The couple they were sitting with must have left. I didn’t even notice.
She set my drinks down and introduced her husband. Quickly, we started with casual talk about our trips, and eventually worked our way into other conversations as we ordered another round of wine.
This is what I’ve wanted for so many days. A connection with people, real conversation, and a chance to learn.
“You are more than welcome to come stay with us in Germany,” she offered, her husband nodding as she pulled out her phone. “We are in a really small town, but it is beautiful. Here, I’ll show you.”
Everywhere I travel, I meet good, generous people who want to share where they come from and who are proud and excited to share it with others.
We exchanged Facebook messages so I had the ability to contact them in December, the next time I would be able to enter the Schengen zone again.
“Okay, we have to get our dogs out for a while,” she said, standing up. “We will see you in Germany.”
Okay, this is my opportunity to practice what I preach.
I took a breath and stood, being careful to keep my body open and relaxed. “How do you say goodbye where you come from? Do you just say goodbye and wave? Give handshakes? Hugs? What’s appropriate?” I smiled, watching her reaction to my question.
It feels like a way to imply I am open for all of those things, but without crossing a cultural barrier and asking for something specific. Even though we have been talking for two hours, we are technically strangers. I know Germans have a reputation for being practical and structured, but I have no idea how they touch.
“Hugs are good,” she replied smiling and opened her arms. We exchanged a warm hug, and I stepped back from the table.
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“There are only a few rules while dancing here,” Kari, the leader addressed the circle of dancers. “One, dance however you want without judgment and without judging others. You can run, skip, jump, make vocalizations, spin, lay down, roll around on the floor, rest on the edges, or whatever you feel called to do that honors your needs and takes care of you. Two, no words may be spoken during dance. All communication should be done using gestures and touch. Three, some people enjoy dancing for a while with others. You can communicate you want to dance with someone, and wait for them to nod or invite you into his or her space. If you do not want to dance with somebody and they attempt to dance with you, it is okay and encouraged to just bow out. Remember, bowing out is an individual taking care of themselves and their body in the moment, and not a reflection upon you in any way. Do not take it personally.”
Those are great rules. I wish it had been that easy in my twenties at the dance clubs! I gazed around the circle at the variety of people sitting in the open wooden-floored meeting space inside the small Texan church. This is going to be a lot of fun.
Kari prompted everyone to declare an intention for the session, and the variety of answers surprised me. They ranged from an intention to be playful to an intention to heal oneself and let go of body stress through movement. The DJ stepped behind the table as the circle broke and people stood up, and then the music started with a steady rhythm that was easy to feel and move to. I stood with my eyes closed, getting a sense of the beat, the energy of the music, and how I wanted to start dancing. Slower at first, allowing myself to get grounded, to feel my breath, and to remind myself to just be playful and explore.
You don’t know this music, but you know how to move and how to dance and how to feel free, I told myself. Just do what you would do in your kitchen or outside.
Spinning freely
The music progressed into faster yet more melodic songs, rhythms changing gradually with each one. There were no words—just a variety of tones and instruments—but the energy remained. This music inspired the body to dance.
I remember spinning around the edges of the group, seeing the cacti in the garden outside through the windows, and feeling my hair and my long skirt fly around me as I giggled like a small child. It was pure freedom, and I was high on the knowledge that other people around me were feeling the same. I knew I wanted to connect with people; but as I tried to catch someone’s eye to get permission or make a connection, no one seemed to respond. They all seemed like they were engaging with each other, but leaving me isolated.
Is it because I don’t know anyone? Are people only dancing with those they know? Or maybe I sent a message that I don’t want to dance with anyone else because of what I said?
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We lose a lot when we stop talking to each other and checking in with what we want or need. Perhaps today is a good day to intentionally create stronger communication with a loved one.
“How about we go practice some martial arts in the park today?” My friend James asked, as he watched me shove a load of massage sheets into the wash machine at my house. “You mentioned you wanted to refresh your skills before heading overseas.”
I closed the machine and threw a scoop of soap into the drawer. “Nah, I’ve already done about fifteen hours of massage in the last few days. I should probably let my hands rest.”
Besides, I’m restless and would rather run than hang around and practice right now. I’d probably get annoyed and irritated and no one needs that. I really don’t want to do anything for anyone else right now, including him.
“You sure? I’ve been playing with releases and tweaking the techniques to be easy on you and play to the strength you have in your kicks,” he encouraged. “Plus, when we get back I can cook some dinner for us while you finish your laundry and client work.”
“How about we go for a run? I should get some cardio in,” I replied, moving past him to get to the kitchen and empty my lunchbox. And I just think I’m too brain-dead to learn anything anyway. “There’s plenty of time to practice before I leave.” Maybe his knee is hurting him again. I should probably make sure he’s okay before I force him to run. “How is your body feeling today anyway? Are you in any pain?”
“Nah,” he said, playfully puffing up, “I’m tough. I can handle any kind of run you throw my way.”
…As our friendship grew, he was respectful with his physical contact. We had great communication around touch boundaries which gave us opportunities to be causal about it, touching each other for emphasis when we talked, plus tons of hugs and snuggles when we were watching movies. I could tell when he was in a lot of pain, which he often was, being an ex-racer and having had many crashes on cycles. If I started giving him little massages, he would tell me not to get into a healing role with him. He said that he was open to getting some massage here and there, but that he didn’t want to become a project or for me to get into work mode. It was hard for me to find the line between offering healing touch and not stepping into healer mode. Sometimes, he would stop me and tell me not to give massage unless he could reciprocate; so, I taught him some massage techniques so he could work on my arms, shoulders, and neck. The intention was to create some reciprocity and balance.
I’m not even sure what or when it happened, but somewhere along the line I did shift into the healer/caretaker mode because it was so natural to me. And as our friendship changed, our level of communication did not keep up with what was needed in order to allow the whole relationship to shift with our changing needs, wants, and experiences. Eventually, we both stopped paying attention to how we were feeling about touch. I didn’t realize until much later that I had started feeling like I was over-giving. My brain would justify it with “I’m the one who asked if I could try that technique,” or “I am the one who started working on his arm because I was bored with the movie; so since I had initiated it, it felt unfair to be upset and demand something different.” Right? Nope. Not at all.
Suddenly, subtle layers of inequality had settled into my body and into my deeper consciousness. Because I didn’t make a choice to tune into myself and see what was really truly going on, I started allowing other aspects of our friendship to exacerbate the feeling of inequality. Suddenly, his being twenty minutes late, even when communicated, became an issue and another bit of evidence that he didn’t value the friendship. Stuck in my own story of over-giving, I had no idea that he was feeling the same…
The communication balance had broken because our intentions were not clearly expressed. The safety of the culture and communication that we had so carefully built between the two of us was dissolving. The nurturing warm feeling it had offered both of us was replaced with confusion, desperation, and neediness.
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“I set my laptop down on the beige tile floor so I could give my dad a hug before I left. My need for touch had returned during the last few weeks. It didn’t take me long to get over my touch sensitivity, I mused, thinking of all the hugs with family, clients, and friends in the last month. Luckily, I’m in the right spot for a really good one before heading to work.
Plate in hand, my dad reached his other arm out and gave me a quick squeeze. “Have a great day at work, Honey. It will be nice to see you when you get home tonight,” he finished, walking over to pick up his coffee cup.
Is that it? I thought, suddenly panicked and dissatisfied. Give me a real hug, dammit! Stop being in your routine and pay attention to ME!!
The child in me screamed, remembering those long, comforting hugs I got when I was little, when Dad would wrap me up in comfort and love—the kind that made my body feel snuggly and safe.
You are an adult now, my mind reminded me. You’re not supposed to need that kind of attention from your parents. I felt the familiar surge of unmet emotions rising into my throat. It felt like I wanted to throw a mini-tantrum to release the emotional void that I could feel growing deep in my stomach.”
“Do you want some water or anything?” Sofia asked, touching my arm as we entered the kitchen from the basement.
Oh my gosh, please don’t touch me.
I was startled by my own internal reaction at such a small, innocuous, and normal gesture.
What is going on with me?
As soon as I asked the question, I got my answer. I had gone from barely any touch to loads of it in less than twenty-four hours. My internal need for touch had completely reset itself, and I was full-up.
I didn’t actually think it was possible for me to get too much touch, I mused, struck and semi-amused by the conflict of being so grateful and wanting to hug Sofia and Lance for all their hospitality while at the same time wanting to shut myself in a room and hide.
As I gulped down some water, I applauded myself inwardly for making this connection. With this awareness, I knew that I could make a clear choice on how to interact with my friends for the rest of the day.
Yes, this is a far cry from a few years ago when I was struggling with how to negotiate physical contact with people I love, including my clients. I’m so glad my awareness has increased.”
“Hi there! Nice to see you!” I exclaimed cheerfully, as I walked toward a fellow businesswoman on my way back to my wellness center. It was a sunny winter day in Minnesota and we were both in our warm jackets and hats, the fog from our breath drifting lazily upward.
“Dawn, I would like to talk with you.” Her normally bright
voice sounded a bit serious, and I paused to give her the proper space to voice
whatever was on her mind.
I nodded affirmatively, as I sipped coffee from the warm cup I’d just picked up
from the café down the street. I wonder what’s wrong.
“Well, I was at the award ceremony a few weeks ago,” she started.
Immediately, I felt my whole body warm at the memory and a large smile
overtook my face. The business I’d grown from scratch had been given the “Service
Business of the Year” award by the Chamber of Commerce.
“I thought you behaved unprofessionally, hugging everyone at that
event.” Her voice was matter-of-fact and empty of any emotion.
What? I felt my heart
drop as confusion overwhelmed me and my face flushed with heat.
“The way you hugged people was completely inappropriate,” she scolded.
My mind quickly retrieved the vivid memory of that evening in the decorated casino ballroom,
recalling how elated I was—how surprised and honored
that enough people felt connected to and nurtured by my staff and myself that
they voted for us. I had bounced around the full tables of professionals on my
way to the stage to accept the award and thank everyone, thinking Grammy
winners couldn’t have been more excited.
After my gushing yet short speech, I’d floated off the stage in a cloud of pride and love, making eye contact with those I knew and giving hugs to at least fifteen of my friends on the way back to my seat, consciously restraining myself to not hug everyone I knew. When I’d settled back in at my table, I’d given hugs to my two staff members seated next to me.
She interrupted my thoughts again, “I’m just trying to help you understand that is no way to act in a business setting.”
What is she talking about? Is it really offensive to hug people I know in a moment like that? Is she right? Did I offend people? Should I not be hugging people in these settings—ever? I felt my body start retreating into numbness as the impact of her words set in.
Today is a lovely upbeat day. I’ve noticed a pattern of having one upbeat day followed by one that’s completely opposite. It is a great opportunity to tune into myself and find where my sensitivities lie and what I can do to pull myself out of the dark hole of self-sabotage that enveloped me (I addressed this in my last blog HERE) and would have become much worse without my close friends stepping up and checking in (and without some touch via hugs.) I’ve been spending time catching up with communities overseas, as well as hearing the updates and amazing stories of from their perspective. I’ve been hiking and exploring in the rain, drinking thyme and ginger tea, and eating fresh garlic. I know-a bit odd, but I love all those things and the fact they have antiviral properties gives me a good excuse to indulge so frequently-even if they have no proven effects for this outbreak.
Engaging with Touch
But what has me curious and thinking is about people engaging with touch and communication right now. I read a great New York Times article called What Do We Lose When We Stop Touching Each Other? How are people touching different within their own families and communities they are at home with? Who is really suffering from the lack of touch, and who is being overwhelmed by the touch they are exposed to right now? Who has increased their fears of being touched (or touching) so dramatically that it is having a negative impact on their health and well-being?
I was out for a run the other day, and ran around a couple walking on the path. There was a second couple coming toward us, and I moved “into their lane” to get around the walkers. Even though I was a good distance away, the man coming toward me visibly cringed and stopped in his tracks. It caught me off guard. I felt both awful that I created that reaction in him and sad for him that his level of fear was so high that even more than 6 feet away he felt he had to shrink away.
Even Our Pets are Confused
People have been sharing the memes of dogs versus cats handling this stay-at-home situation. How dogs are crazy excited yet cats are abhorred by the fact their owners are invading their territory and are preventing the cats from napping and going about their daily routine. Luckily, my cat loves having me home, and keeps perching on my shoulders and lap to help me work.
I have been through many situations in my past where I have gone from lots of touch to only a little. Some time periods were self-induced, some were situational, and I feel quite fluent moving back and forth between high and low touch. I’ve wanted more touch lately, and have been lucky to get that from my roommates and cat, but have also developed skills to function when the ability to interact with others is less. I talk quite a bit about it in my upcoming book, but am curious to hear from all of you what your personal experiences are at this time.
Please – comment below or post in the Touch Remedies facebook page. How have your touch habits and awarenesses changed during this pandemic? Are you getting the type and amount of touch you want and need? If not, how can I support you thorough this time? I have many tools that help people set boundaries, ask others for what they want, or, if fully isolated, find ways to get that hit of oxytocin and serotonin -two important hormones released with healthy touch- all on their own. I think it is such an important conversation to have. How do we navigate the tricky terrain of touch during this time? How do we tune into ourselves, into others, and into our communities in a way that supports everyone?
My Question for You
How would you like to support yourself and others by connecting and using healthy touch again?
If You Can’t Get Touch- I’d still like to help.
I’m also still offering free online EFT/tapping classes so you and your loved ones can find a place of calm and peace amidst the stress that may be present in your lifestyle. You can find those HERE.
No matter what is happening in your life right now, please reach out if you need any support or help. I truly care about my communities and will do anything I can during this time.
I have officially hit the half-way mark with writing my book, and thank goodness I hired a content creation expert, Amanda Johnson, to help me. I write in spurts of energy and enthusiasm, but then hit blocks. I wonder how to phrase my ideas. Are they too repetitive? Will they trigger someone or make them feel uncomfortable? I find myself getting upset as I poke around at old memories and lay them out for the world to see in an open and vulnerable way.
Luckily, hiking grounds me back to the earth so I can breathe. I also do a lot of tapping/EFT work with myself. I’m even using my EFT practitioner once a month to help find deeper sources of patterns I cannot see on my own. It’s been an invaluable tool of healing and processing emotion so I can neutralize the past and keep using those stories to help others.
I Like Getting Halfway
I started reading a book once called The Way you Do Anything is the Way you Do Everything. I got about halfway through it, like I do with most books that are not fiction. But the point was valid, and the video below I took reminds me of that book.
I started hiking a mountain, but hit snow. I wasn’t sure, due to the melt, if I should walk across it or not. I know a lot of these mountains have deep crevices and holes that are buried under snow, or streams that run deep underneath, creating potential pitfalls for the average hiker wandering alone. I wandered at the same level for a long time, entertaining myself by building a small snowman, and taking pictures. Then-I found tracks in the snow leading up. So, I followed them. I had planned a 3-4 hour hike round-trip. The book had said 3.5 hours, 6.9 km (4.29 miles), but I had already deviated from the path and circled the mountain to a different path— a ninety-degree difference on the map.
Should I Keep Hiking?
I kept going, bit by bit, checking in to see how it felt to go
farther. Was I going higher up because I
wanted to? Because I felt I should get
to the top because I was already halfway?
Nap on Kjølen
So, embracing my inner child, I just did what I felt like at the moment. I took a rest on some rocks in the sun. I thought about patterns of pushing myself for others. How often I do things in life because others expect me to, want me to, or because I just want to prove that I can. I forget to tune in sometimes.
As I write this book that asks people to tune into their bodies as they learn to integrate physical contact into their life in a way that is both comfortable and consensual for everyone involved, I realized I better start doing that in all areas of my life. Tune in. Be present. Make choices. Say ‘no’ when I want to, even to myself, no excuses needed.
YAY! I did it!
Hearty bug in the snow
I did make it to the top, after checking out a live bug hanging out on the snow with me, here and thinking about how I want to overcome and make a bigger impact on the world. 17.72 km (11.07 miles) and 6 hours later I was back at the bottom, waiting for the bus.
Perhaps, if I can allow myself to conquer the mountain bit by bit,
using play and exploration to figure it out, I can do that with the book as
well. I can use the support of my coach,
my friends, and my own healing tools and get it done. No rush, no timeline. Of course I’d love to have it done before I
come home in January so I can focus on my business. Yes, it would be amazing to have it done by
November so people could have it for holidays.
It would be even more exquisite to have it done before I leave the
safety of my friend’ s house in Norway in a week so I’m not stirring myself up
and trying to travel at the same time.
But, I am going to remain playful. I am going to heal the world by balancing a wooden spoon on my nose. I’m going to try to be zen, or at least laugh, even when being surrounded by black flies while hiking a fjord.
Wooden spoons are easy to balance.
I encourage you to do the same. Find something that you do habitually, a pattern that exists in your life, and shift it to something that suits you more. That allows you peace and balance and freedom. That allows you to tune into yourself and your relationships on all levels. Be prepared-bring a carrot along for the snowman you want to build, but upon finding no snow, eat it instead for energy.
My Question For You
What do you want to do different? Can you make small changes to make that happen?
Let me know how I can help you tune in. You can email me from my contact page on my website, put a comment below, or give me a call. My work phone works in Norway! I would love to hear from you. I sometimes get the best service while I’m hiking, so that’s fun.
Two weeks of self-imposed peaceful isolation to write my book on community bonding and touch has created a bit of loneliness in my heart. This morning, I made the choice to open Facebook and catch up on my dear friends and family. As I scrolled down the feed, my heart sank and tears came to my eyes as I saw how people were choosing to communicate.
How on earth am I supposed to help us connect with each other when we cannot even use civil tones with each other on social media? I sighed, as I scanned faster to avoid the barrage of hatred laid out in front of me.
People cheat, people lie, people do bad things—not liberals, not conservatives, not whites, not gays, not the immigrants, not the millennials, not the elderly. There are hate groups, of course, but in general communities of all styles, individuals make these choices, the same way my individual friends make the choice to use tones of hatred.
My
goal seeming suddenly hopeless, I stepped away from my computer and wandered
aimlessly around the small house in the Norwegian valley. The windows offered the same view to the
beautiful mountains, and the sound of the waters rushing down them hadn’t
changed, but it all seemed suddenly worthless.
My mind drifted back to an exercise at my Blandin Community Leadership training. If only people understood how much our beliefs are actually part of our brain function.
The Challenge
_______________________
“I am going to put you into groups based upon your Meyers Briggs results and have each group figure a way to solve this problem.” One of the Blandin Foundation program leaders said, standing in the middle of the U-shaped table formation near the front of the room.
Fifty
rural community leaders, a variety of ages, backgrounds, gender and race had
been chosen after a lengthy application process to learn to build and sustain a
healthy community. We were learning
about ourselves, where individual and organizational blind spots may be, how we
interact with others, how to see problems from a higher perspective, how to build positive social structures, and
how to resolve conflict. Quite an undertaking for a five-day retreat.
This
should be interesting, I thought, as she divided us into three groups. The last
few exercises taught us all a lot about individual roles and reactions, but
this is the first big group problem-solving exercise. I smiled as everyone
stood up and a cheerful buzz filled the room, as people grabbed their materials
and re-organized themselves.
“Here’s
the situation,” she interrupted the chatter as people organized into smaller
circles, “You are on the board of
directors of a nonprofit organization.
Your bookkeeper, a volunteer who has been loyal, accurate, and timely
for 15 years, suddenly starts making mistakes in the financials. The mistakes seem to be growing slowly, and
one day it is brought to your attention that someone smelled alcohol on her
breath while she was at the office. What
do you do?”
She
stepped back and smiled knowingly. “Does
anyone need me to read that again?”
Huh,
not quite as challenging as I anticipated, I thought as I turned back to my group
with a thoughtful look on my face, I already know what my plan of action
would be.
“Well,
of course we need to have a conversation with her,” one member piped up right
away. “We don’t know what’s going on or
if it’s true she really had been drinking.”
“She is a volunteer,” another person chimed in. “But we do have a duty to our organization, especially when it comes to finances.”
Focus on the larger picture
“Yes,
we definitely cannot sacrifice our organization if she isn’t able to continue
here duties well, but if she needs a bit of time away from the job to deal with
a personal issue, we could find another person to help temporarily,” the next
comment came.
Yep,
this is easy, I
sat up straighter and looked around the rest of the conference room to see how
the other two groups seemed to be getting on. Looks like there’s a lot of
agreement in the other two groups as well, I noted, people are smiling and nodding and
seem enthusiastic with their hand gestures—-at least the extroverts.
I
giggled to myself. Blandin had broken
our 16 types down into sub-types, giving us further insight to each category,
and I could see that playing out in the room. Our group is much smaller than
each of the other two, I noted. We only have about ten, and the other
two are around twenty people each. That
must make it a bit more difficult to come to a resolution.
“You
have three minutes left. Please pick
someone from your group to present your decision to the group.” The leader interrupted loudly over the
animated chatter.
We
hastily picked a leader, had her summarize our final decision to us quickly,
and turned to the front of the room, waiting.
“Group one, please present your results.”
The Results
A prominent businesswoman stood up and projected the decision easily and clearly over the group. “As the board of directors, we have no choice but to terminate her volunteer position immediately and find a replacement. We cannot tolerate any financial impropriety in the organization, as it could cause a negative impact on our nonprofit status, our revenue, and the community trust in our organization.”
Snowman Bob thinks we should look at the big picture of Community
Wow,
that is super harsh, I
thought, stunned. No communication?
No making sure that there wasn’t some other error in the system or an
update that wasn’t her fault that was creating the errors? Wow. So much for years of loyalty. I know how much time that stuff can take.
“Group
three, go ahead,” the leader interrupted my thoughts as I shook my head and
turned my body the other direction to hear the verdict from the other side of
me.
“Well,”
the executive director of a nonprofit stood and faced the group. “She has had 15 years of loyal service. We thought it was in our best interest to sit
down and have a conversation with her, offer her help, see if the matter was
one in which she wanted to leave the position temporarily or permanently. We will give her support in finding help with
her drinking if that is necessary, and do what we can to get her back on track. She is a volunteer after all, and we don’t
need to jump to harsh conclusions or actions until we understand the totality
of the problem.” She sat back down.
Huh,
that doesn’t seem to protect the organization fast, and is completely opposite
of the first group’s answer.
“Group
2?” The leader prompted.
Our spokeswoman, who worked for a large corporation, stood up and announced our decision, an exact blend of the other two. Starting with compassion and curiosity, and if the issue wasn’t fixed, to take strong disciplinary action.
The Reveal
Our
brain wiring determines how we make these kinds of decisions. Holy crap. And my group’s brain wiring has a blend of
both sides, which is why we are smaller and have a blend of both answers.
The
understanding hit me as ways to increase communication and synergy to pull two
conflicting sides together became clear.
_______________________
How Do You Choose to Communicate?
Nature and nurture both influence how we see and interact with the world as individuals. The drama in the media of all sides now shapes the tone and grace, or lack thereof, in which individuals choose to share their opinions and the stories they hear.
My
mom told me that if I can’t say anything nice—-don’t say anything at all. I don’t believe that is true. Communication is necessary for a vibrant
community. We need to be able to
disagree, to have respectful conflict, to speak our minds, to share what is
disturbing us and why. However, it can
be done in a curious, educational, and amicable way. Are there people spouting melodrama and
hatred out there? Of course. Does that mean you need to match their
tone? Absolutely not.
If something someone says triggers you and makes you extremely angry, is there a way to pause, take a breath, and reply in a manner or tone that conveys your disagreement in a way that opens communication? What kind of attitude and tone opens you to listening to an opposing point of view? Try using that.
My Question/ Challenge for You
Breathing at Steindalsbreen Glacier
That’s
my challenge for you this week. Whether
it’s a disagreement with your child, your coworker, your friend, or on social
media, take a breath. Realize that
everyone has a right to their own opinion, no matter what information or lack
thereof informs it. You may not be able
to change someone’s mind, but you won’t for sure if you attack them. Ignore those who haven’t learned these lessons
yet, except to prompt them to please use a different tone.
Let’s
give ourselves a chance to heal our communities and our relationships. Let’s
say what we need to, nicely.
