Feelings of anxiety Archives

My Fear & Self-Sabotage Exposed

Posted on March 13, 2020 by Dawn BDecember 24, 2020

Have you ever been so excited about something? The perfect opportunity, job, or relationship? That new fitness program or lifestyle change? Then for some unknown reason, you do or something that screws it up? That destroys it?

What now? Can we shift negative self-talk, self-sabotage, and subconscious fear?

Making Amends

We can try to make amends first. Ask for forgiveness, rebuild trust, or do what you can to get back on track. Sometimes that works. For example, when I was interviewing candidates for a receptionist position, I had about fifteen applicants; five I called in for an interview. One was a twenty-year-old woman, who had great qualifications, fit all my requirements, and who came in looking professional and holding herself with confidence. But she was anxious and unclear while answering questions, and by the time we were done, I had already decided she was not a good fit. I walked her out, and as she opened the front door, she turned to me and said, “I know I really screwed up that interview, but I want you to know I will be the best receptionist you’ve had if you hire me.” Then she walked out the door.

She impressed me by acknowledging her shortcomings and confronted me with honesty and integrity. I ended up hiring her and she was right. She was efficient, friendly, and organized. If she didn’t understand my directions or if I gave her conflicting information, she would clarify with me and make sure she got it right.

I’m a Pro at Self-Sabotage

Other times, it doesn’t work so well. I’ve self-sabotaged in the past. For example, I’ve procrastinated and missed deadlines for speaking engagements because I had already decided I “wasn’t good enough” to speak there or my message wasn’t powerful enough. In January I had about three hours worth of edits to do on my book. Every slot I had set aside to do it I delayed. I did little things that didn’t matter and that weren’t important. But then, it got worse. I started getting angry at myself and let my mind tell me how awful I was, how stupid, and how this is why I would never be successful. I recognized my pattern and started therapy with one of my healers. She observed my level of self-sabotage and reminded me how sometimes our beliefs from childhood or past experiences prevent us from stepping forward and embracing all that we are. The subconscious can also tell us we are unworthy of something or someone and make us do something that destroys the opportunity.

Why Did I say THAT?

I had a situation recently where I said something completely out of character for me to a person I care about deeply. I didn’t even know where it came from or why it came out of my mouth. It broke trust and destroyed everything that had been built over years. Back to my healer I went, who has me looking at the following questions.

Do you believe you deserve this?
What could happen if this did work out? How does it leave you vulnerable?
Where in your past did you get hurt in a way that you subconsciously created this problem as a defense mechanism?
How can you heal that past so you don’t do it again?

Exploring a Deeper Level

I know if I don’t look at my past, I will keep self-sabotaging over and over again in future situations because I haven’t healed the root belief and the root fear that my subconscious is protecting me from. I am actively working on it; finding forgiveness for myself for the times I failed, the times I got hurt, and the times I hurt others. It’s going to be a long road. I’m hoping for forgiveness from my friend. I’m resisting the self-forgiveness for sure. As many of us do.

Where do you self-sabotage in your relationships, your career, your health? How do you prevent yourself from opening to happiness, health, and ease in all aspects of your life? I encourage you to explore your own healing, whether with a healer or therapist, or on your own. Really sit and figure out what you want. Then go for it. Commit to yourself and the process even if it means being uncomfortable for a while. It’s how we grow. I’m right here with you.

With love,

Dawn

Do We Judge Others’ Because We Dislike Ourselves?

Posted on November 7, 2018 by Dawn BDecember 24, 2020

October 15, 2018 (posting November 7, 2018)

Emotional Dissonance

I work with a lot of people who have dissonance between what they want out of their lifestyle, career, relationship, or health, and what they have become or are expected/pressured to be. Then, they project outward or judge others.

I use Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT tapping) and homeopathy to help each person discharge emotions and have the power to step into the life they want–without feeling judged. I have been observing in different cultures and situations how people subtly judge, and wanted to write a bit about it today.

I went to an event outside of Dublin called “Hammered Hiking.” It was advertised as a walk to a local pub, a 4-hour challenging hike through the hills, a brief stop at another pub, then a walk back to the meeting location. It sounded like a lovely way to meet some people in a casual atmosphere. What surprised me was the number of people in the group who did not drink. It came up in casual conversation as someone passed around a small flask, and three of the 10 of us did not drink at all. We got into an amazing and eye-opening conversation about judgements and social expectations of others. The question all the “non-drinkers” have been asked/hassled about/judged around: Why don’t you drink?

You Don’t Drink Alcohol?

It’s a question I have heard myself. When I traveled to California and was on a detox, people were astounded I would go there and not have any wine. “What? We are near Napa! You can’t go home without having a glass of wine with me!” I also was asked by a couple of people if I was pregnant. Because WHY would I CHOOSE not to drink? The women I was with were astounded to see that I danced, laughed, and engaged as much or even more than if I had been drinking. I know people who will carry around drinks at parties and pretend they are drinking in order to deflect the social pressure. There can be a strong undercurrent of judgement as well. I.e. If you don’t drink, you must have a Problem with drinking. (If someone is respecting themselves and the others around them by honoring their choice of sobriety, we should be applauding them, not judging them!!)

Others look for a Reason beyond just the fact that one doesn’t want to drink that day/week/month/ever. My clients and friends report having to make excuses (I have to drive, I’m not feeling well, I’m on a detox, it interacts with my medication, I’m trying to lose weight, etc.) for it to be socially acceptable not to drink. One friend of mine in Minneapolis quipped, “if I say I’m not drinking alcohol, people wonder why and judge me. If I say I’m straight-edge, I’m a cool part of the culture.”

One person in the hiking group said “I feel split from myself when I am drinking. I don’t like that feeling.” Another woman just doesn’t like the taste of alcohol. Both of them reported being pressured to drink over and over. As if the people they were with were not comfortable unless everyone is drinking. One said, “I don’t pressure others not to drink because I’m not. Why do they feel they should pressure me to drink?”

Here’s What You Should Eat

I hear the same thing said about food judgments. I know a woman who has an extremely high metabolism who has a hard time gaining weight. People say things such as: “Really, you are just going to eat a salad?” “You’re so skinny-why don’t you eat a sandwich!” With the increased allergies in our society, the people with serious food allergies versus just intolerances are not always taken seriously. “Oh, you’re one of THOSE gluten-free people.”

Maybe We Can Try Being Supportive First

Why do we judge and make these negative sounding comments towards people for their choices instead of being supportive? Are we trying to feel better about our own habits and choices? I know in Minnesota we have a mentality where we have to offer food or drinks of any sort over and over again to feel hospitable. “Are you sure you don’t want anything?” I have friends who don’t like chocolate. They get comments like, “who doesn’t like CHOCOLATE! That’s _(insert word of choice).”

Being A Judge is Tiring

I really think that we don’t realize we are making comments that are negative and tiring to others. Perhaps we think we are being playful. Regardless, the words we say have an impact on others. My challenge for myself and for you this week is to watch how you engage with people about their choices. Are the words you are using implying judgement or support?

Resting after hiking 3 mountains in Connemara, Ireland

If you are ready to make changes in your life and let go of the emotional and social ties around it, send me a message and we will set up a complimentary 30-minute talk to explore how I can help you. I provide a safe, non-judgmental space for you to share and heal. I look forward to our conversation.

With Love,

Dawn

P.S. Comment below to share other ways you observe judgement in everyday conversation.

Overcoming Adversity and Travel Challenges

Posted on June 29, 2018 by Dawn BDecember 27, 2020

June 29, 2018

I arrived in Iceland at Keflavík airport on Tuesday morning after weeks of preparation to avoid stress and challenges. I had made itineraries only to find that I never looked at or printed directions to my hostel where I was spending the next few nights. After a few moments of berating myself and trying not to panic after I found that the hostel is over a 45 minute drive away, I asked at the information booth to discover the airport has wi-fi for free. A few minutes later I booked a bus direct to and from the hostel.

Sharing this story in a group later that evening, I found one of my new friends from Mexico had his credit card frozen when he tried to get his ticket, even though they knew he was leaving the country. He called his bank and they told him it would be 8 hours before it was reinstated. He called a friend, who texted him a picture of a credit card he could use for the day.

Another woman I met got lost while walking through town after dropping all her luggage off at our hostel. Her receipt from the bus said that she was dropped off at Central Hostel-to which she showed up to and found out it was not the correct place. She asked what other hostels the bus service would drop people off, looked at all the pictures of those hostels online, and found her way back. She had texted me asking the name of the hostel, but I replied about 5 minutes after she discovered the answer herself.

The point? We all run into challenges in our lives-and no matter how overwhelming it may seem at the moment, there are resources everywhere. Often it takes us remembering to ask others for help. I know many people (me included) that hesitate to ask for help because of a feeling of weakness, perception others will think we are stupid, or a variety of other things. However, don’t you feel good when you get to help a friend, a family member, or a stranger on the street? Most things we need help with are not as much of a burden to another as we perceive. By asking, we also allow others to feel good and happy about being able to help. Or, if it is a challenging request, others also have the option to say “no” and practice their own boundary-setting.

Most adversities and challenges we experience are really not the end of the world. We may perceive them as such in the moment, or even during recall years later, which can limit us from tapping into resources of all kinds. I know sometimes when I forget to stop, breathe, and ponder my other options, I can fall into panic, anxiety, and negativity. Then I just run around in a fight/flight manner and block my mind from coming up with solutions because I’m in such a fear state. But when I pause, realize that I’m safe, that I have everything I need-even if it is not my plan or on a time/place/schedule of my choice-then I can be in the moment, enjoy the opportunity to problem solve and ask for help if I need. Now that I also can tap (I am still doing 1/2 price sessions to teach others BTW, and you can book here) to calm my system down, I find that things become simple. Perhaps not easy, but simple. And that makes all the difference.

In the last few days, I have had an opportunity to meet people from all over the world. I forgot to get permission to post pictures that include them, so I will have to share my own for now.

I’m in the airport on my way to Stockholm. Now I get serious about settling in, finding work and living situations, and re-learning the Swedish I seem to have stored away in the back of my brain. Challenges seem to arise, but patience and a willingness to ask for help have led to great learning and connection.

With Love,

Dawn