And it’s turned out a bit like a relationship itself. I was all excited about it. It’s my second full book. I was so inspired I was even waking up in the morning after having dreams about it in the fall of 2020. I’d get up and voice memo myself the rush of thoughts and awesomeness running through my brain.
THIS IS IT!
Yep, This is it, I thought. This will be SO EASY! In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s divine intervention writing this book through me. I went right from courting the idea of writing a book about relationships into full-blown honeymoon phase. Words were easy; my messages felt clear and aligned for anyone to receive.
Like most relationships, the excitement waned. I kept working on it, but somehow the flow wasn’t as magical. The edits were more brutal and disheartening. I was afraid that what I was writing would too honestly reflect my own intimate relationships in the past and upset those I still care for and call friends.
Reality set in. As I navigated writing with work and my life in general, the book got set aside. I’d write a bit when I felt like it amidst everyday drudgery. I knew it didn’t have to be this way; I couldn’t see a way out.
Just Another Day In the Woods
When people asked me about the writing, I’d say it was going fine. Pretty good. But realistically, my hormones weren’t engaged. My intellect wasn’t excited. Things were stagnant.
I’d engage with it, half-heartedly hoping for the passion to return, but wasn’t really sure where I was headed.
Should I End It?
My thoughts were fully occupied as I hiked. Do I really want to write this book? Or should I change it up and write something totally different. I’ve put so much time and energy into it. Maybe I should just stick with it. Maybe this is all there is.
The Big Choice
I had three main options I decided. First, try to reignite my passion and dedication and bring it in a new direction, using the past chapters as a catalyst for growth. Second, I could settle with what I’ve already done and just keep going, hoping it will get better. Third, I could end it. Either by not writing it at all, or by starting all over again.
More Than Creativity In Hibernation
Everything is GONE. Everything.
I went into my computer early December to try to rekindle the creative juices. Not one word was to be found. Not the outlines, the research, the quotes, the character development, nor the chapters themselves. Unsearchable, even in icloud or my external backup drive.
I took it as a sign from the universe to give up. With tears I started announcing to my closest people that the Universe had decided for me.
A Bit Returned…
Amanda, who helped me with my first book (and is the lead of the 20-author collaborative book being released January 21st 2022 that I’m part of), had copies of three-and-a-half chapters in an email from me.
A Magical Reappearance
As if the Universe was telling me I HAD to write it, Apple Support found it while I was working with another computer issue. All of it. Everything I mentioned above + voice memos.
It’s a second chance. Do I want it? Will it make me happy? Is it “meant to be?” Tuning in, I still have a strong NEED to write a book on relationships. Should it be more about healing with EFT? Touch-based? Process and science based? Should I turn it partially fiction? Too many options froze me again.
The Next Relationship
I am creating a new relationship. I’ll read the old content. Enjoy the light from the darkness. Feel into my body and get a clear idea if this past writing was just to teach me a lesson so I could have a stronger, more powerful, more aligned relationship with my next writing project; perhaps it’s actually the one I wanted all along. Maybe as I turned my back and struggled, it has been patiently waiting for me to come to center and feel its presence. Warm, inviting, and fully open to expanding into a beautiful and synergistic existence.
With love and Gratitude,