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How Do You Project Negative Self-Talk on Others?

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Reflections of the Past

I listened to The Bob Davis Podcasts as I drove down to Red Wing Thursday.  He talked about his experience on the road as a nomad.  

It reminded me of the beauty and the wonder of what it was like to backpack through Europe; how I got to learn to slow down, be present, and shift my own expectations.  His discourse also brought back memories of  how my friends, family, colleagues, and acquaintances projected their ideas and fears onto me.

Whose Self-Talk is This, Anyway?

Dinner before one of the most dangerous nights I experienced

“Isn’t that dangerous?”  “How do you live with only a backpack full of stuff?” (To be fair, I had a backpack full of stuff AND a laptop…except when I ditched it to go hiking and camping.) “What are you going to do if you can’t find a place to stay?”  “Aren’t you lonely?”

Then, there were the straight-up judgments.  “Must be nice to be so rich you can afford to take nine months off.”  “Is this your mid-life crisis?”  “What on earth would you do that for?”  

This is Not My Voice Inside

Their projections gave me a clear view into their own negative self-talk and limiting beliefs.  

I got a lot of suggestions; however, most were irrelevant to the experience I was seeking and the way I love to travel.  

I’ve been talking in my networking group about negative self talk and how impactful it can be;  sometimes we don’t even realize we are doing it.  We often do not realize that what we dislike in others is something we dislike in ourselves.  For example, I get irritated when I feel like people are not following through on promises.  I am clear that when I don’t follow through on something I am overwhelmed with guilt and sometimes shame.  The reflection of what I dislike in myself gets projected onto the other as irritability.  I know what others perceived as laziness and leisure while I was in Europe was often hiding jealousy or their own internal judge telling them that one MUST do more, be busy, and stay “on track” with goals. 

Giving Grace & Space

Giving myself grace and space to write whenever I wanted allowed my book to come forward. When I tried to push to make the book happen, because negative self-talk decided I HAD to get it done before my mom visited, everything halted.  And the voices got louder.

This abandoned copper mine made me think of all the risks others have taken that are more extreme & risky than my own.

I returned to the US and jumped back into American life again (albeit more grounded and calmer.)  Massage Therapy offices were closed in the spring, and I started berating myself for not building my online practice while I was in Europe.  “I had all that downtime and did ‘nothing’ with it.”   I didn’t have the space to work with clients in a safe and private environment, but the voices told me, “You could have been educating people about Emotional Freedom Techniques.  You could have been sharing your personal healing using tapping.”  I had to step back.  The negative self-talk wasn’t mine.  It was the voice of everyone else— you need to do more, make more money, have more stuff, BE more in order to be important/ relevant. 

That’s not what I believe.  Who I am and what I choose in my life is enough.  If others want to judge me for that, that’s their own issue; thus, they get to look within instead of projecting their self-talk.  I am not going to take that on.  

My Question For You

Who gets the brunt of your projections?  How does it feel to you when you are upset at others’ decisions?  Where does your negative self-talk impede your own peace and happiness?

EFT Tapping Can Help Self-Talk

I could share a ton of stories with you about how it helps me.  But I want you to go within first. It doesn’t matter how tapping helps me.  The question is, how would you like it to help you?

I’m here for you.

With love,

Dawn

Nature of Relationships
Dawn with Hands on heart
Dawn

A Deep Journey Into the Fog

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Bluff view. John A. Latsch State Park

598 stairs into the clouds. The journey into the fog can be disconcerting.

The mighty Mississippi is there. Beyond the silence, if you listen, you can hear the trains in the distance.

The jays are calling. Yet nature feels fairly still.

Going Within

It felt really important yesterday. Drawing analogies between my healing process and nature. The external fog I know will lift as I hike compared to the fog within that is hiding something that is not quite seen, but ready to be revealed.

Trusting and knowing expansion and vibrancy will emerge through this journey, even as I sense tranquility deep within.

I know my urge to hibernate and rest is in preparation for the next phase. Two more books. Teaching. Helping others in their relationships. Travel. Just like nature, going within for the winter creates the vitality for coming out of hibernation.

Powerful Shifts

Something big is coming. I’ve felt it before when I was in Europe. When I was preparing to come home. When I knew I was in the middle of a big shift within myself and nothing would be the same again. This time it feels more powerful. More clear.

When I first came home from Europe I had changed so much I didn’t recognize my reactions to others. This year, for me, has been about listening to myself in relation to others. I’m great at hearing others. I see and understand their deep pain, sorrow, and grief. I enjoy reflecting their beauty deep within that they are afraid of, hiding, or unaware of.

Healing is Often a Journey

Anyone who knows me well knows I am always looking at my deeper self. When I am overly-reactive, I look at why. When I am sad, I allow myself to feel it, but if I cannot move through it, I look at the source of the sadness. If I don’t move through emotions, I do my work to get myself unstuck.

This year has been different.

It’s not just 2020

It is the planets! It has been a year of evaluating relationships of all sorts–past, present, and future. I changed so much that I got to see my “old” vs. “new” self reflected back. And now, amidst this, I am taking advanced EFT tapping training to help others do the same. I taking training on how to help others find their soulmate. Classes on how to help others find intimacy and connection in their relationships again.

Healer, Heal Thyself

Of course, do do any of that well, I have to understand myself first. This phrase is the key to my practice and to my own life journey. I had to look at how I was protecting myself from connecting with others. How I was hiding from love behind the idea that love and independence could not co-exist. That I have to be stronger than any partner so I don’t lose myself… so I didn’t end up being a possession.

Words of Wisdom

I was gently reminded love could exist without possession. The universe continues to send me messages from unexpected places to remind me I want (and deserve) more. I can also allow, instead of force.

“Just like Chinese medicine, relationships are a balance of yin and yang. You will both have both, but sometimes you need to allow your yang to soften, to allow the flow between two.”

My Question(s) for You

How do you hide yourself from feeling or expressing love? Where have you learned to protect your heart and how does that serve you now? Are you ready to be open?

More to Come

I have three more of these blogs in the queue. Perhaps I’m over-thinking life right now. But I don’t think so. I am sure my friends are sick of hearing of my self-analysis. But that’s okay. I know they love me anyway. For my strengths, my weaknesses, my quirkiness, my playfulness, and my ability to be vulnerable… and probably other reasons as well. And that is truly all that matters.

You are love, you are loving, and you are loveable.

Be yourself and be loved,

Dawn

Nature of Relationships
Dawn with Hands on heart
Dawn

What Makes a Good Relationship?

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Do Relationships need to be Difficult?

I knew I would delve deep into each relationship challenge in my past as soon as I started writing a book on touch and relationships. In the Hoffman Process I learned how to evaluate and transform patterns (beliefs, habits, etc.) learned from my parents.

I got to examine what my subconscious beliefs were and to decide what I wanted out of my life. It helped me understand where my sensitivities and triggers were and why. Hoffman allowed me to make healthier choices for myself and regain my strength.

It changed how I approached relationships. It improved my self-awareness so I could communicate at an even higher level than I used to. I stopped self-sabotaging as well (usually.) Relationships became easier and stronger.

Is there a Soulmate out there?

I’m taking a course called Learning 2 Find Love for my next certification in Emotional Freedom Techniques (a.k.a. EFT or tapping.) As many of you know, I love looking at myself, my beliefs, and my patterns in deep and new ways.

I thought this class would be a breeze

After all–I’ve already done tons of work on what I want in a partner. I know the non-negotiables, how I want to feel, and how I demand to be treated. I learned how to communicate clearly (and also that I cannot be with someone who cannot communicate.)

Week three and I’ve had some big AHA moments.

After identifying traits we knew we wanted in a partner (via looking at what did and didn’t work in past relationships), we put them into a grid to determine what traits were most important. Alina, the instructor, described it like choosing different ice cream flavors. For example, do I like chocolate ice cream or cherry ice cream better? Some days one may sound better than another, but both are delicious.

It turns out I value playfulness more than communication.

In fact– being playful, being high-energy, and possessing self-awareness were all more important. That doesn’t mean that I’ve thrown high-level communication out the window (it was, after all, #4 of my top 5). I haven’t LOOKED for playfulness as a quality in a partner, and it was often missing in my past relationships. Instead, I played the role of caretaker or mother.

  • Wooden spoon on nose

I have lots of playful, child-like qualities myself

At forty+, I still build snowmen and have conversations with them. Climbing a tree or spinning on a tire swing makes me laugh . In The Touch Crisis I discuss being curious and child-like in exploration around physical contact. Finding play in your own connection to others is important. So why have I dated so many people that only want me to be an adult and show my serious side? Because I had this HUGE blind spot.

Where is your relationship blind spot?

There is another Learning 2 Find Love course being held in February if YOU are interested in doing some of this work in a group. You can set up a time to talk with me if you are interested in learning more. Perhaps you are interested in starting this process for yourself now. I need case studies for certification, so will also be offering a discount if you participate.

Is my soulmate on the way?

According to all the tarot readings I’m seeing online, YES! LOL. Seriously though, whether he is or not, the extra clarity I have found is worth it’s weight in gold. I already knew I would not waste more of my valuable time in a relationship that didn’t suit me. My vision is more clear now.

You deserve a joyful relationship.

With gratitude,

Dawn

Nature of Relationships
Dawn with Hands on heart
Dawn

Running Out of Steam

Touch Remedies Posted on by

We lose a lot when we stop talking to each other and checking in with what we want or need. Perhaps today is a good day to intentionally create stronger communication with a loved one. 

Excerpt from The Touch Crisis: 

The Touch Crisis Cover
The Touch Crisis Cover

“How about we go practice some martial arts in the park today?” My friend James asked, as he watched me shove a load of massage sheets into the wash machine at my house. “You mentioned you wanted to refresh your skills before heading overseas.”

I closed the machine and threw a scoop of soap into the drawer. “Nah, I’ve already done about fifteen hours of massage in the last few days. I should probably let my hands rest.”

Besides, I’m restless and would rather run than hang around and practice right now. I’d probably get annoyed and irritated and no one needs that. I really don’t want to do anything for anyone else right now, including him.

“You sure? I’ve been playing with releases and tweaking the techniques to be easy on you and play to the strength you have in your kicks,” he encouraged. “Plus, when we get back I can cook some dinner for us while you finish your laundry and client work.”

“How about we go for a run? I should get some cardio in,” I replied, moving past him to get to the kitchen and empty my lunchbox. And I just think I’m too brain-dead to learn anything anyway. “There’s plenty of time to practice before I leave.” Maybe his knee is hurting him again. I should probably make sure he’s okay before I force him to run. “How is your body feeling today anyway? Are you in any pain?”

“Nah,” he said, playfully puffing up, “I’m tough. I can handle any kind of run you throw my way.”

…As our friendship grew, he was respectful with his physical contact. We had great communication around touch boundaries which gave us opportunities to be causal about it, touching each other for emphasis when we talked, plus tons of hugs and snuggles when we were watching movies. I could tell when he was in a lot of pain, which he often was, being an ex-racer and having had many crashes on cycles. If I started giving him little massages, he would tell me not to get into a healing role with him. He said that he was open to getting some massage here and there, but that he didn’t want to become a project or for me to get into work mode. It was hard for me to find the line between offering healing touch and not stepping into healer mode. Sometimes, he would stop me and tell me not to give massage unless he could reciprocate; so, I taught him some massage techniques so he could work on my arms, shoulders, and neck. The intention was to create some reciprocity and balance.

I’m not even sure what or when it happened, but somewhere along the line I did shift into the healer/caretaker mode because it was so natural to me. And as our friendship changed, our level of communication did not keep up with what was needed in order to allow the whole relationship to shift with our changing needs, wants, and experiences. Eventually, we both stopped paying attention to how we were feeling about touch. I didn’t realize until much later that I had started feeling like I was over-giving. My brain would justify it with “I’m the one who asked if I could try that technique,” or “I am the one who started working on his arm because I was bored with the movie; so since I had initiated it, it felt unfair to be upset and demand something different.” Right? Nope. Not at all.

Suddenly, subtle layers of inequality had settled into my body and into my deeper consciousness. Because I didn’t make a choice to tune into myself and see what was really truly going on, I started allowing other aspects of our friendship to exacerbate the feeling of inequality. Suddenly, his being twenty minutes late, even when communicated, became an issue and another bit of evidence that he didn’t value the friendship. Stuck in my own story of over-giving, I had no idea that he was feeling the same…

The communication balance had broken because our intentions were not clearly expressed.  The safety of the culture and communication that we had so carefully built between the two of us was dissolving. The nurturing warm feeling it had offered both of us was replaced with confusion, desperation, and neediness.

Click here to purchase The Touch Crisis on Amazon. Or– request it from your local bookstore.

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With love,

Dawn

Nature of Relationships
Dawn with Hands on heart
Dawn